The moment you get knocked up, your Gmail sidebar fills with ads for maternity products that drunkenly walk the line between theoretically-interesting-but-poorly-executed and outright teleshopping rejects. We’ve put together a list of our favourites – because there’s perhaps no better time to say ‘WTF?!’ than when you’re pregnant.

The DJ in your vajayjay

Babypod is a speaker designed for women to insert into their special lady-pockets, thus enabling them to familiarize their unborn babies with the IQ-boosting strains of Mozart, Beethoven, Rabindra sangeet, etc., in, shall we say, surround sound. On the bright side, no one can judge you if you use it to introduce your child to Justin Bieber (future back-up dancers are just as important as future nuclear scientists), because no one can hear girl-cave music except your baby. (That is, probably no one should.)

Our only questions are: Who in the world thought, ‘Hey, you know what would be a good idea? Taking this unwieldy electronic appliance and putting it into a vagina!’ And more importantly — why doesn’t it come with a vibrating feature? If there’s an opportunity to have Usher in your vagina… it should feel like it. It’s not all about the baby.

The great divide

Rs. 1000 says this was invented by a guy who assumed women’s breasts collide as much as his own genitalia. The breast pillow is essentially a wedge cushion that fits between the girls, ostensibly to prevent cleavage wrinkles, but it’s also advertised as a helping hand to nursing mothers with tender breasts.

It’s… interesting in theory? But we’re not sure of the rationale behind the separator: Do the girls get competitive during breastfeeding? Or do they need time and space to be alone after a whole day of lactation specialists poking and prodding and babies feeding? Actually … that sounds like a real thing. Take all the time you need, boob-friends, but we’re in this together. No drawing a line down the middle of the room, thankyouverymuch.

You can’t spell parenting without AI

Proof that the next generation brings us one step closer to the robot apocalypse, the Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer promises to identify the cause of a baby’s tears with “90% accuracy” among the following options: Stressed, Bored, Annoyed, Hungry or Sleepy. (Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful, and Doc available in the special Snow White version.)

We notice there’s no ‘my parents rely on a poor man’s robot to pay attention to me, so now I’m getting my diaper changed when really I want a bottle’ option for the 10% (at least) of the time the device gets it wrong. Or an option for ‘nihilism stemming from an inanimate object being the only person to truly sometimes understand me, god it’s going to be a long 80 years.’ Maybe in an upgrade?

Just don’t put it on the mantle

It’s possible to purchase a life-size, 3D-printed sculpture of your fetus. Because the real, live baby isn’t enough to commemorate the experience.

Man boobs

We’re all for dads being as involved as possible from the earliest moments, but Mr. Milker – a bizarre contraption comprising a fishing vest attached to a pair of ‘breasts’ that can be filled with breastmilk or formula and supposedly thus simulate breastfeeding – is a misfire. It’s a trick of biology that men can’t actually breastfeed (poor things, they’re good at other things, like getting paid more for the same amount of work), but Nature is cruel that way.

It’s … nice? … that the people behind Mr. Milker are trying to equalize the childcare experience. But it’s possible that walking a mile in her tits doesn’t actually broaden perspective and may just end up being weird for everyone – mom, dad and baby. Think of it this way: An adult has never lain on a psychologist’s couch remembering their bottles back in the day.

Morning chicness

We would like to take a moment to observe two minutes of silence for the sad fate of pregnancy vomit, destined to rest ignominiously in a black plastic bag, a white porcelain bowl, or a purse in the colour of your choice, depending on how quickly the nausea strikes and how far the aforementioned items. Give morning sickness the destination it deserves with these designer upchuck bags. Because puking in style makes up for puking at all!

We’re guessing the inventor of these pregnancy products is the same person who goes around wishing women a “Happy Period!”

Like a new car, but worse

Baby perfume – to mask that disgustingly milky ‘New Baby’ smell. Ugh – it’s nausea-inducing just thinking of it. Pass a designer morning sickness bag, please.

Definitely not child labour

The Baby Mop is a onesie with a mop attached to the knees and forearms, so your child can polish the floors as he crawls.

Actually, this seems like one of the more helpful maternity products out there. It helps keep the house clean. It introduces the concept of chores early. And it can double as a satyr costume for your baby’s first pretentious Halloween. Win-win-win.

Trending on Twitter a new developmental milestone

The Kickbee is a contraption that automatically sends a tweet every time the baby kicks in utero and ensures you a lifetime appointment as That Mom on social media. The story behind its creation is rather sweet – a techie father who had to travel a lot for work during his wife’s pregnancy wanted a way to stay in touch and abreast. But in today’s age of overexposure, is it wrong to expect at least a little privacy inside the uterus?

On second thought, don’t answer that …