FWP: A Problem of Pigeon Lovin’

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Apr 26, 2017

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first world problemsPROBLEM: The ventilation shaft of my building is filled with pigeons. Horny pigeons. I can’t go into my bathroom without being greeted to a very loud and very vocal soundtrack of pigeons copulating, and it’s driving me crazy. Will I ever shower in peace again?


KB: What’s the opposite of a pigeon aphrodisiac? Any ideas? I don’t know, so this is going to be a very practical answer to how to get rid of pigeons. Find the ventilation shaft and cover the opening with a wire netting? I’m sure you’re not a pigeon murderer so that really does seem like your only choice here.

That, or learning to enjoy pigeon porn.

MM: I think it’s gotta be a musical solution. Try different genres and artists and hope that one of them will drive the pigeons away or at least kill the mood. Maybe one of Adele’s lovesick hits? Worst case scenario, pigeons copulating to “Someone Like You” is something you might have to make peace with….

RT: As an animal lover, my first instinct is to ask why do you want to get rid of our bird friends? Can’t you just enjoy the sexual sounds of nature? But fine, if you really really must, then use a sound device to turn them off, like MM suggested? High frequency ultrasonic pigeon and bird scarers should do the trick, but do try Adele first.

Also, don’t throw rocks at them; sex is only natural.

LG: No, you will never shower in peace again. Once you have pigeons, nothing you can do will get them to quit you. Like it or not, they are your feathered ride-or-dies. So, accept their orgasmic cooing, as you would the same sounds from an otherwise perfect but loudly sexually active bff roommate (it’s her only fault). I think the other ladies have it right with the music advice, but I’d suggest a different genre: Beastie Boys. Not really something they can get a rhythm going to and irritating enough to convey, well, your irritation.

SB: Those pigeons, always thinking with their peckers. I agree with LG, like it or not, you’re horny little shaft-dwellers aren’t going anywhere, and your options are pretty limited. Dealing with pigeons leaves you with three options: 1) resort to violence: chuck objects or rent a pellet gun; 2) get a portable speaker and shake a tail feather while drowning out the sexy squawks; or 3) embrace your little love nest and instead of killing the mojo, invite someone over to create some steamy sounds of your own — peaceful showers are overrated.

Got any first world problems? Write to the Swaddle Team at contact@theswaddle.com. We’ll sort you out. Kind of.

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