An email signature is a calling card, a door into your very soul.

Or, it’s just a word you memorized while writing to a sick friend in another city during 5th standard. (Dear Meenakshi, I’m sorry you’re sick. It’s sunny today. I got a good grade on my spelling exam. When I’m sick, I like khichdi. Sincerely, Your Friend Supriya)

Either way, an email signature can evoke strong reactions — interpretations and even misinterpretations — in recipients not among the sender’s intimates. So we sat down to analyze our email signature of choice, and others’, to figure out how they come across to everyone else.

Cheers,

You’re the cool guy/gal. Laid back. Chill. Maybe a surfer. But you probably don’t actually surf, you only want to be taken for a surfer. Because there’s a hint of pretension in ‘cheers’ – you care enough to send the email, but don’t care about the response. You’re your own man/woman. Who sometimes dabbles in fake British accents.

Best,

You’re the manipulator. ‘Best’ is basically the signatory equivalent of Resting Bitch Face. You may be the sweetest person alive, but the recipient will never know for sure, because it’s email. And if you’re honest, you probably like keeping people on tenterhooks about your personality. We know, we know – ‘wishes’ implied. … but are they really?

All the best,

You’re the people-pleaser. You don’t want to stray too far from the traditional (‘best wishes’) but you also know that ‘best’ by itself will get you no love. You walk the tightrope with the help of a few extra words.

Alternatively, you’re an Uncle wishing someone good luck on their boards. (All the best, beta. Don’t fuck up.)

Best wishes,

You’re the time traveler. You glorify the past and dream of returning to a simpler time. You were raised in an era when handwritten thank-you cards were the norm. In fact, people often compliment your handwriting even now. You have watched every episode of Mad Men.

Regards,

You are the cog in the machine, grinding out work at a rate that keeps you from caring how you come across. Yet you have too much fear of the corporate behemoth to boldly go where no cog has gone before: dropping the email signature entirely.

Kind regards,

You are the intern, the new hire. You still have all of your soul and most of your sanity. You occasionally bring coffee for your co-workers, simply because the day is fresh and full of possibility. You don’t believe it’s your fate to turn into a Regards-signing automaton. Bless your heart.

Warm regards,

You are the cheerleader. Your favourite words are, ‘We can do it!’ You are the first to volunteer for a new initiative. You’re also the first to agree that your boss has, in fact, had a brilliant idea. Some might say you try too hard, but your imminent promotion will prove you try just right.

Warmly,

You’re a microwave. Or a sexual harasser. No one wants you feeling ‘warmly’ toward them except maybe your mistress. Seriously, stop it, you perv.

Thanks. / Thank you.

You are a dormant volcano, just waiting to erupt. That ‘thank you’ is a thin tether to the hope something will be accomplished in a somewhat competent manner, and it could snap at any moment. God help the recipient, if they don’t get it done.

Emoticons

You are a 12-year-old. Or an avoider of conflict =D Whichever you are, it’s safe for recipient to assume you mean the exact opposite of the emoticon you use.

Sincerely,

You’re timeless. Your wardrobe is stocked with little black dresses; your bar, with single malt. You are ever the lady or gentleman. You do not laugh at dirty jokes, but smile thinly and turn the topic. Some say you’re cold, but you prefer the term icy.

Love,

You’re the desperate dreamer. ‘Everyone can use more love in their lives,’ is something you have been known to sigh wistfully over a cup of chai. None more so than you. You’re looking for a metaphorical (or real) Prince(ss) Charming to respond. Your favourite genre is RomCom With Animals.

Hugs, / Smiles,

You’re a hippie who prefers WhatsApping, because email is ‘too impersonal.’ You’ve been put on the Earth to help others realize how much joy there is in life. You take exotic holidays and Instagram every moment. But you missed your last flight because you discovered a forgotten joint in your pocket right before you went through security.

Have a nice day/weekend/afternoon,

You’re guilty. Of something, you just know it. You obsess over your emails so much before sending that you don’t have time to rewrite the parts you think might come across as mean, so you add this email signature as an off-set. You mentally parse emails you sent two weeks ago, and still feel bad. You could use a glass of wine.

Thinking of you,

You have FOMO. Big time. About everything. In fact, you are probably worried right now about what the person next to you is reading, because what if it’s more interesting? (It’s not; forward them this link immediately.)

Yours,

You are the giver. You are literally everyone else’s. Need someone to stay late? You’ll do it! Need someone to work the weekend? How about you! You need a spa day, or 12, but will probably give it up at the last minute to pick up your cousin’s brother-in-law’s uncle’s business partner’s sister from the airport.

Name only

You’re the executive. You have figured your. shit. out. You have reached a point where people assume neither politesse or rudeness but an unquestionable, ruthless efficiency. People knock on your door. You sometimes wait a bit before saying, ‘Enter,’ because sweat stains amuse you.