First World Problems: An Existential Crisis In The Bathroom
First World Problems is a funny advice column for India’s first world population. Write to Judy (confidentially!) at firstname.lastname@example.org if you’ve broken a nail, felt a little blue, yellow or green lately,
or had a strange encounter of the any-numbered kind.
PROBLEM: There is a woman on my team who has no problem following me into the restroom and speaking to me through the stall about work as I use the bathroom. I barely respond to try to discourage her, but it’s not working. How can I make it clear to her she needs to leave me alone?
Oh, yikes. In my experience, the only way to deal with someone’s crazy is by outdoing them. Try this.
Have a meltdown during one of these ladies’ room moments: “Stop! Just stop! I come here to think. And I cannot hear myself peeing! And if I can’t hear myself peeing, then I can’t think. And if I can’t hear myself thinking, then according to Descartes, I don’t even exist. Do you see what you’re doing to me, Suzie? (Just call her Suzie, even if her name is Jaishree.) Do you? Do you? Oh, you’ve driven me into a vortex of existential despair, Suzie. Who am I? <sniff> Who am I? <sob> Who am I? <guttural groan>.”
I assure you, you will never see her again. Not in the restroom, not anywhere.
PROBLEM: I just received a wedding invite — on the day of the RSVP deadline. Other friends received theirs months ago. Should I just assume I was a last-minute (and not really cared about) addition to the guest list and not go?
I think it’s fair to assume you were a last-minute addition, but it’s equally fair to assume that there was a good reason. You know, like someone dropped cold beer on the rest of the invites or the postal system failed them. The point is, so what? If these people matter to you, you should give them the benefit of the doubt and go. But maybe you could pick the wedding gift once you know for sure (heh heh heh).
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