First World Problems: How Much Wine Will I Need?
First World Problems is a weekly advice column for India’s first world population. Write to Judy (confidentially!) at email@example.com if you’ve broken a nail, felt a little blue, yellow or green lately,
or had a strange encounter of the any-numbered kind.
PROBLEM: Judy, I’m going to stay with my husband’s family for two weeks for some cousin’s wedding. He’s from a very large, very opinionated, very extended family. (I love them, but …) My question for you: How much wine will I need and where is the best place to stash it when you’re staying in someone else’s home?
I like how you’re so certain I’ll have the answer to this question. And you’re right; I do.
Yes, you’re going to need lots of wine. For storage, I recommend you watch Episode 11, Season 2 of The Mindy Project. It’s called “Christmas Party Sex Trap.” (Just trust me.) And when you’re done, you should know that that is not at all made up. It’s available on Amazon — but promise not to check out the link till you’ve watched the episode or you’ll ruin the fun.
So — watched it and dying to buy it? Here you go. You’re welcome.
PROBLEM: My 6-year-old made a cute drawing of his grandparents, so I framed it and gave it to my mother-in-law as a present. When she unwrapped it, she looked as if I’d given her rubbish from the road. Did I? I thought this was a sweet gift; she dotes on him.
I think it’s super sweet. But then again, I’m typically the kind of person you can con last minute by wrapping a pebble you found on the road if you can spin a good story around it about how it applies to me. I might even treasure the pebble and bore everyone who comes home with the story, while totally ignoring the expensive watch someone else gave me. I know, I know — you wish I were your mother-in-law. I would make a pretty amazing mother-in-law. But l must snap out of this glorious fantasy.
Back to your mother-in-law. You know that thing about love languages, don’t you? If not, go to 5lovelanguages.com. It can be quite enlightening if you’ve never come across the concept before. Though if you ask me, there are more than five love languages. Mine is the No Expectations language. I don’t expect my loved ones to fuss over me in any of the five ways, and they don’t get to have expectations, either. We just do things when we want to do things and we ask when we want someone’s time or attention. So liberating. And no risk of giving the wrong gifts.