FWP: A Long, Long‑Distance Relationship
PROBLEM: My husband and I work and live in different cities. We’ve been doing the long-distance relationship thing for a year, and for the most part we’re happy with it. (We both love our jobs.) But he always wants to make the most of our time together and go out, when I’d rather stay in. What’s your advice?
SB: If that’s your biggest problem in a long distance relationship of a year, count your blessings, the Skype-sex must be great. But this sounds like a difference that will transcend your LDR status so your instinct is probably right to get it out there now. Or you could make time at home a lot more appealing than going out and then you won’t have to have this conversation. #introvertextrovertissues
KB: Hmm… having done the long-distance thing for many, many years myself, I feel this is an issue I know a lot about, but somehow feel wary of commenting on. Because everyone is so different. But I do think that a long-distance relationship tend to effectively put your real problems on ice; you’re always blaming any discord on the distance, and so you never really address the serious, potentially relationship-ending problems… because you can’t see them.
I’d recommend finding a way to live in the same city for a while (e.g., a temporary work reassignment), to test whether this is a personality difference that causes long-term discord. And in the meantime, why can’t you just split the difference? Go out half the nights, stay in half the nights. The secret to a good relationship is learning how to compromise, after all….
RT: Hey there, long distance loner. Sorry to burst your bubble but I don’t think this is a long-distance relationship problem. This is a problem, period. Having done MANY LDRs myself, common problems include missing each other, wanting to NOT have Skype sex, yada-yada.
This seems more like a personality difference. He seems like an outgoing person who wants to show you the world, and you seem to like you’d rather Netflix and chill. No stress, there is nothing wrong with that. I am the same with my partner but opposites attract, dhh. However, you know the only thing that keeps those opposites together (long distance or not) is the c-word: compromise. Try this: two days a week are for date nights out on the town; the other five are for binge watching Power on the telly. There you go, problem solved.
LG: I’m a little concerned you made a point of mentioning you love your jobs, rather than mentioning you love each other, but you make up for it by trying to be proactive and addressing these relationship issues before they truly erode what you have together.
My advice is going to echo everyone else’s: Compromise is what it takes in a relationship, long-distance or otherwise. When you’re in his city, go out and do all of the things he’s been dying to share with you. When he’s in yours, you set the agenda.