FWP: That Moment When You See Your Friend’s Husband on Tinder
PROBLEM: Recently, on a dating site, a friend’s husband’s profile popped up on my screen. I quickly swiped left but now I’m wondering if I should tell her what I saw? She’s not a particularly close friend but I still feel like she deserves to know her husband is dating online.
KB: Unless this is your sister/best friend in the whole world, ignore (and maybe even run in the other direction). No one wants to be told about her husband on Tinder. Either she doesn’t know, and you’ll forever be branded as the bearer of life-ruining information, or she does know, and you’re exposing a dirty little secret that she had wanted to keep to herself.
Either way, this is a friendship-ender. And it’s kind of none of your business. But I can tell you’re a good person, so keep that up; I’m sure you’ll find another way to channel your altruistic tendencies.
SB: Oh my… My instincts say the same as KB’s. Back away slowly from this; it’s a classic lose-lose. In addition to the two options KB laid out, she could actually be into it. Maybe they have an open marriage — is that something you want to discuss with her?
Let me put it to you this way, remember that part in the Little Mermaid when Ursula goes full giant octopus and takes out everything in her path? Yeah… that’s what you can expect if you get involved. Unless you owe this person your kidney, mind your business and let this take its own course. No good can come of you meddling, no matter how good your intentions. (This does put you in an awkward situations though, my suggestion, switch from Tinder to Hinge.)
AV: Did you take a screenshot? Insert “Comrade, I am disappoint” meme here. You could always try the, “Omg, dude, your husband was catfished! Someone’s using his pic on Tinder, eww!” gambit.
Part of me is also wondering if you should have swiped right. If you matched, you’d have proof that not only is he slime (assuming she has no idea), he’s also stupid slime. Now, all you have is your word that he’s cheating online. Against his. And her own denial. What do you think your chances are?
MM: I wish there were a nicer way to say this: You sound worse than those people who are on Tinder to ‘make new friends.’ Seems like you haven’t had much luck with the app so far. The online dating world is rough, hang in there. Don’t distract yourself from your main mission with things that are clearly not your business. And, as the others have touched upon, you might lose a friend in the bargain.
RT: I am going to go a bit dark on this one but hang with me here. If Stella didn’t believe her own sister about the scum that was her husband Stanley (A Streetcar Named Desire), then there is no way in hell that your “okayish” friendship will survive this.
Learn from great literature before you lose your mind like Blanche and run for the hills. If you still have the craving to cure the world, then channel all the good intention into a detailed rant on YouTube about online infidelity, to which I promise to subscribe. Good luck and please don’t go get them.
LG: Dear Tinder Love ‘n Care (or, Grindr Love ‘n Care — I mean, you’re a dude, right? I’m pretty sure you’re a dude): You immediately swiped left? You feel anointed by the Universe to ruin your friend’s marriage? You have plausible deniability of anything other than good intentions? That’s super.
But this isn’t your fairy tale — as Sahar pointed out, you’re more likely to be a villain than a queen (actually, you sound more like the annoying sidekick with an ethnically dubious accent). So, to keep up the Disney references: Let it go, let it gooooo! And find another prince to swipe right on, and leave your friend and her husband to write their own ending — happy or not — in peace.
Got any first world problems? Write to the Swaddle Team at firstname.lastname@example.org. We’ll sort you out. Kind of.