You are not an elf. You have actual shit to do. Like eat lunch on your lunch break and not sift through 10 online shopping sites looking for last minute gift ideas your kids won’t hate.

But that’s not to say you’re the Grinch, either. There are plenty of last minute Christmas gift ideas for little ones, if you just know where to look (around your home) and who to blame it on (Santa).

Last Minute Christmas Gift Ideas for the Perpetually Hectic and Slightly Mischievous Mom or Dad but Probably Mom

Ages 0-3

Literally anything will work at this age. They’re just happy to be here.

Measuring cups! These bad boys float and are stackable. What else do you need for bathtime fun?

A paper fan! Fold up that scrap of wrapping paper from last year and give your child the gift of a gentle breeze! You laugh, but this will give hours of entertainment to the under-3s as well as cut back on your electricity bill. Win-win.

Tissue angels! Just ball up some tissues and draw on eyes, a mouth and a halo. Depending on your artistic ability, your child may confuse Christmas with Halloween for the rest of her life, but hey, she’ll have a present!

Ages 3-6

By this age, you’ll have to frame the message just right to get them excited, which takes a little ingenuity.

A spatula backscratcher! “What? A way to reach all of the hard-to-scratch places that itch? What a great gift! Why don’t you try it out on mommy? Yes, that’s the spot. Isn’t this fun?”

A bag of paper from the office shredder snowflakes! Treat your toddler to a taste of ‘snow’ and they’ll think it’s a Christmas miracle: A toy that allows them to trash your living room, all in the name of fun. Don’t forget the companion gift, a vacuum snow blower. Because you always have to have the full set, of course.

A gently used pet toy Christmas ornament! “That moist corner there, that’s just from all of the melted snow you’ve been tossing about. Listen, it even plays a Christmas carol. Jingle bells! (Squeak squeak squeak!)”

A label maker sticker machine! Yes, your house will be covered with random bits of fluff-spotted adhesive for the next year. But the joy you bring to you toddler as he discovers the only thing stickier than himself is priceless.

A sheet of bubble wrap firecracker rug! Lay an old towel over a sheet of bubble wrap. The Christmas jig your toddler dances on top of it will delight her heart with all of the pop-pop-pops (and drown out your sighs of relief).

Ages 6-10

They’re starting to catch on; they’ve already noticed that the cookies left out for Santa every year are Mom’s favourite. (What a coincidence!) So you’ll have to put in a little more effort.

A make-your-own necklace set! Fill a box with a little string, paper clips and old buttons, and voila! A FunSkool-worthy craft set that you can tell yourself stimulates your child’s creativity without spoiling him.

A new outfit! Pretty-in-Pink a couple of items from your or your partner’s closet (or raid an older sibling’s). If your kid looks dubious, just reassure him with any fashion photo from the 80s.

Coupons! If your kid is giving you side-eye the only thing left to do is bribe her. Make a set of construction-paper coupons with lots of smiley faces and font emphasis. For example: “One homemade banana split with extra love!!!! 😀 😀 ”

Ages 10+

At this point, the exclamations have stopped. You’re just hoping to avert an adulthood spent on the couch of the corner psychologist.

A legacy from a departed relative. “Your dadi left this valuable plastic costume jewelry to you, once you became a teenager. She used to wear it all the time. Except when she was getting her picture taken.” “Your massi’s rakhi-brother’s best friend left this rare book for you to receive in your 12th year. What? No, I don’t think his handwriting looks like your papa’s at all.”

An elves vs. reindeer pillow fight. Admit your Christmas Fail; they’ve already figured it out anyway. Then divide the family into two teams and let your children pummel you softly with the scraps of their ruined childhood.

Heavy reading. Wrap up the Ramayana. Or a Quran. Or Dawkins’ The Blind Watchmaker. Or L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics. Whatever you have on your bookshelf that subtly says “Mazel tov! Christmas is for other schmucks.”

Happy holidays!