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The S Files: Uninspired Nursery Decor Behind Unsuccessful Adults

The S Files is where The Swaddle covers all of the most serious, breaking and totally true news parents need to know.

New research has found that carelessness over baby nursery decor may be the cause of low success in adulthood.

The authors of the study, published in the international journal Parental Neuroses last week, found that the children of parents who put in less than 5 months of deliberation over nursery decor prior to childbirth were twice as likely to be unsuccessful. (Success was determined by polling parents’ friends, Instagram followers, and college hook-ups.)

The study concluded that six months of deliberation over baby nursery decor is associated with a statistically significant increase in probability of life success; 12 months of obsession over baby room ideas, two thematic changes and the services of an interior decorator were definitively linked to 99th percentile achievers.

“We’re talking Ivy League-educated investment bankers and CEOs under 30,” said Dr. Kiran Chatterjee, a social psychologist with the Gurgaon School of Social Mobility at JNU and the study’s lead author. “It may seem like a huge upfront investment of time and energy, but like everything else in parenting, the payoffs are only seen only after you’ve depleted your savings, and usually, your marriage.”

The study warns of several common baby room ideas that contributed to feelings of “being just the same as everyone else” and “no better than my peers” in the words of participants: themes involving clouds, hot air balloons, princesses, jungle animals, and race cars, as well as the use of block lettering and the colour Coral, were shown to be causally linked to high incidences of melancholy and occasional anxiety later in life.

The study also found a strong correlation between nurseries in which all walls are painted the same colour and feelings of inadequacy and aimlessness in adulthood. The authors call it a cautionary tale for all current parents of babies and parents-to-be.

“We really need to start rolling out accent walls, otherwise the workforce will be decimated in another 20-some years,” Dr. Chatterjee said. “Chevrons, floral patterns, sponge painting – as long as there is one wall that stands out the way your child is meant to stand out from his peers.”

For many parents whose children have reached maturity, this study is a revelation and a validation of unspoken suspicions about their baby nursery decor that have haunted them for decades.

“I purchased the fisherman nets in Coral because they were on sale,” admitted one mother, who wished to remain anonymous. The mother, now 53, says her son, 25, works for an environmental NGO and shows no signs of wanting to become a management consultant. “We thought a fishing theme was enough, but it obviously wasn’t. I keep wondering – how much more could he have achieved if I’d gone with the nets in Lemongrass? Or Smoke Blue?”

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