The pussy slap. Yep, you read that right.

For clueless parents who haven’t experienced this insanity, a “pussy slap” is the newest of teen trends, wherein teenage girls spontaneously smack each other on the vagina. For fun.

Yep, the youngs have struck again. This time right in the ladybits.

If you are now shaking your head in disbelief — because how in the hell does something like the “pussy slap” exist?! — then come join me in the WTF Club. Pussy slapping is going viral, thanks to the Sydney squad of “influencers,” with 1.5 million followers, who started this debauchery and have clocked 28 million+ views and counting.

But don’t just shrug it off as a case of teenagers (and the occasional on-top-of-the-trends preteen) being teenagers. And don’t celebrate it as a girl-power version of the “ball tap,” because gross. Here’s what you need to tell your spawn about the pussy slap.

“Pussy slap”, you ask, dear daughter? More like a slap across the face for feminism. I didn’t want to, (and I am sure you are not going to want to either), but we have to pull out the facts in the face of viral adversity. You know why, even in 2017, only 24% of senior management roles in business globally are held by women? Because pussy slap. You know why only 29% of MPs and only 22% professors globally are women? Because pussy slap. Because it’s all fun and games until I or some other frenemy sues you for sexual harassment.

Girls, let’s make women who are kicking ass go viral, not women who are slapping each other on the vagina. Example: Cindy Gallop, who is bringing the message to the world that sex isn’t like porn, and women aren’t like porn stars. Or the newest version of Wonder Woman, which has gotten rave, feminist reviews (and some criticism, too, but hey, it’s a good start). 

Don’t let misguided girl gangs influence you into touching people’s private parts without consent. Because once you make it a-okay to do that, soon some delusional friend-zoned man will think he has a free pass to pussy slap you, too. Or some delusional US president will think it’s fine to grab you by the pussy. Stupidity is infectious, and I am not here for it.

But actual cat videos? Those are calling my name.