In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Man Who Presided Over Own Sexual Harassment Case Pens Poignant Memoir About Being Judged

A person who had the famous distinction of hearing a case against himself while serving as the country’s Chief Justice, has reportedly written an autobiography titled Justice for the Judge. The former judge had been accused of sexual harassment by a Supreme Court staffer, and true to the title of his book, proceeded to be both Justice and Judge in the matter. Indeed, many expressed fascination with his ability to exist in two places at one time — in the judge’s chair, and in the dock as the accused. The judge, a certified expert at separating his powers in this way, is now also a member of parliament. The memoir is said to be “no-holds-barred” — as in, no one holds the bar at all. The bar, of course, being that of justice.

India Celebrates Diversity Win as Exact Same Man Becomes Tech CEO

The fifth iteration of the same Indian man made it to one of the top spots at one of the top tech companies in the world. India received the news heartily. They celebrated the fact that all the men, from the same alma maters, same backgrounds, with the same resumes and almost same last names, provided some much-needed diversity to the otherwise homogenous world of tech.

Man Mainstreams Gender Fluidity by Wearing Black Nail Polish

An actor’s appearance on a magazine cover recently shattered all gender stereotypes. Posing gender fluidly in bold eyeliner and black nail polish, the actor joined the ranks of many who took a lot of credit for doing the bare minimum. According to sources, the black nail polish fluidly absorbed all the colors of the rainbow and thereby signaled complete liberation from gender itself. This radical redefinition of Pride was celebrated by many, most of all the actor himself.

Education Board Sees Exam Question About Government and Anti-Muslim Riots as Simply a Glitch in the Matrix

A sociology examination reportedly contained the following multiple-choice question: “The unprecedented scale and spread of anti-Muslim violence in Gujarat in 2002 took place under which government?” In response, a national education board quickly cleared the air about this unexpected break in the simulation. Since the correct answer was actually “what anti-Muslim violence?” and the choices did not contain this, the board is set to seriously investigate the matter and fix the technical “error.” Claiming that it will take “strict action” against whoever did this, the board also suggested there was nothing to be upset about — since nothing is real and the truth doesn’t matter anyway.

Man Who Owes Fabulously Royal Status to Slavery Gets Points for Saying it Was Wrong, Actually

In the wake of Barbados becoming an independent Republic, the nation’s former colonizer made a brave speech about the ills of slavery. Admirers called it a “grown-up conversation led by a future king.” It is common knowledge that the royals in question are constrained from saying anything reasonable due to Constitutional obligations. The Prince, in simply acknowledging that a horrific part of history was indeed horrific, was therefore heroic. It is a case of simple mathematics.