Niece – Should I tell you something so scary?
Me – You absolutely should.
Niece – One day there was a rat.
Me – Is that it?
Niece – And he had fourteen teeths. In his ear.
Me – That must have been painful.
Niece – Ya. And he had a gun. And he was a crocodile also.
Me – I thought you said he was a rat.
Niece – He was a rat crocodile.
Me – That sounds very … confusing.
Niece – And he had a penis. Because he was a boy.
Me – Ok.
Niece – I don’t have a penis.
Me – No, that’s true, you don’t.
Niece – Because I’m a girl.
Me – Well, not exactly.
Niece – Hm?
Me – I mean some girls have penises. And some boys have vaginas. Is that confusing? If it’s confusing then I didn’t tell you this okay?
Niece – Can I be a boy?
Me – Sure. Would you like to be?
Niece – Not right now.
Me – Well that’s fine. You can be whatever you want.
Niece – Can I be a house?
Me – You know, that’s actually a really misleading thing we tell children.
Niece – Hm?
Me – Let’s get back to the rat crocodile, shall we?
Niece – He was a princess. Can a boy be a princess?
Me – I guess so. What do you think?
Niece – I think it’s ok. I think if he has his own crown then it’s fine.
Me – That seems fair.
Niece – Then you know what happened? The rat crocodile died.
Me – Aw.
Niece – And his teeths grew into….elbows.
Me – He had fourteen elbows? Coming out of his ear?
Niece – Yes.
Me – Wouldn’t that be really uncomfortable? Or does it not matter because he was dead?
Niece – He became alive again.
Me – Oh yay! How did he become alive again?
Niece – He … he just got up.
Me – Ok. So it wasn’t like he was actually sleeping and not dead at all?
Niece – No he was dead.
Me – Ok.
Niece – Because there was so much blood. And bones.
Me – Right.
Niece – Then the rat crocodile he ate up the girl.
Me – What the heck. What girl?
Niece – The girl.
Me – Why couldn’t he eat a banana?
Niece – He ate all the girls. And then he went swimming. And he had a coffee.
Me – Was this rat crocodile an investment banker.
Niece – Ya. Hm?
Me – And when you say he ate all the girls, you mean like every single girl in the world.
Niece – Ya.
Me – Did they give him indigestion?
Niece – No but he felt sad because then he didn’t have any friends.
Me – Because all his friends were girls.
Niece – Ya.
Me – And, for reasons best known to himself, he ate all the girls.
Niece – You know why he was a princess?
Me – Please tell me.
Niece – Because he liked to eat sparkles. And that’s how he got all sparkly.
Me – Does a princess have to be sparkly?
Niece – Yes. And they also have a pet.
Me – Aw, what kind of pet?
Niece – A bus.
Me – Do you think you could draw this rat crocodile princess?
Niece – Ya.
Me – Excellent. Sally forth with paper and colored pencils.
Niece – It’s going to be so scary.
Me – I shall gird my loins.
*
Me – So I was wondering if you could walk me through this picture. Because it seems very complicated, there’s definitely a lot going on here.
Niece – Ya.
Me – So right here, we seem to have…a mountain range? Or a chainsaw possibly?
Niece – It’s elbows.
Me – So then this box-like structure is … an ear?
Niece – Nose.
Me – Why is it outside his face? This is his face, right?
Niece – Because I put it there.
Me – I see. I honestly can’t think of a better reason for a nose to be outside a face.
Niece – Say what this is.
Me – It’s a … deflated egg? With feet?
Niece – It’s a shoe rack.
Me – Why is there a shoe- actually you know what? Never mind. Tell me what this fountain of rainbows is coming from his…
Niece – Mouth.
Me – Right, his mouth. Is he throwing up? Are those his teeth? Are you going to tell me it’s actually a piano or an artistic expression of regret?
Niece – He’s eating sparkles.
Me – Oh right.
Niece – And he’s throwing up.
Me – Ok. And so this entire being is half rat and half crocodile…how exactly?
Niece – His back is a rat. And his feet are crocodiles, see?
Me – Ah. And when you say they are crocodiles, I see that each foot is an actual crocodile. Unless those are slabs of cheese.
Niece – It’s crocodiles.
Me – Well. This is, by far, the best rat crocodile princess I have seen today.
Niece – I know.
Me – So is it a boy or a girl? I don’t think we resolved that.
Niece – He’s both.
Me – As are we all.
Niece – Except when he’s a house.
Me – Right. Remind me to talk to you about that one day.
Niece – You want my rat crocodile princess picture?
Me – Oh awesome, can I have it?
Niece – No.
Small Talk chronicles conversations between the author and her niece that could, in an alternate universe or in this one, be real.
