Niece – Should I tell you something so scary?

Me – You absolutely should.

Niece – One day there was a rat.

Me – Is that it?

Niece – And he had fourteen teeths.  In his ear.

Me – That must have been painful.

Niece – Ya. And he had a gun. And he was a crocodile also.

Me – I thought you said he was a rat.

Niece – He was a rat crocodile.

Me – That sounds very … confusing.

Niece – And he had a penis. Because he was a boy.

Me – Ok.

Niece – I don’t have a penis.

Me – No, that’s true, you don’t.

Niece – Because I’m a girl.

Me – Well, not exactly.

Niece – Hm?

Me – I mean some girls have penises. And some boys have vaginas. Is that confusing? If it’s confusing then I didn’t tell you this okay?

Niece – Can I be a boy?

Me – Sure. Would you like to be?

Niece – Not right now.

Me – Well that’s fine. You can be whatever you want.

Niece – Can I be a house?

Me – You know, that’s actually a really misleading thing we tell children.

Niece – Hm?

Me – Let’s get back to the rat crocodile, shall we?

Niece – He was a princess. Can a boy be a princess?

Me – I guess so. What do you think?

Niece – I think it’s ok. I think if he has his own crown then it’s fine.

Me – That seems fair.

Niece – Then you know what happened? The rat crocodile died.

Me – Aw.

Niece – And his teeths grew into….elbows.

Me – He had fourteen elbows? Coming out of his ear?

Niece – Yes.

Me – Wouldn’t that be really uncomfortable? Or does it not matter because he was dead?

Niece – He became alive again.

Me – Oh yay! How did he become alive again?

Niece – He … he just got up.

Me – Ok. So it wasn’t like he was actually sleeping and not dead at all?

Niece – No he was dead.

Me – Ok.

Niece – Because there was so much blood. And bones.

Me – Right.

Niece – Then the rat crocodile he ate up the girl.

Me – What the heck. What girl?

Niece – The girl.

Me – Why couldn’t he eat a banana?

Niece – He ate all the girls. And then he went swimming. And he had a coffee.

Me – Was this rat crocodile an investment banker.

Niece – Ya. Hm?

Me – And when you say he ate all the girls, you mean like every single girl in the world.

Niece – Ya.

Me – Did they give him indigestion?

Niece – No but he felt sad because then he didn’t have any friends.

Me – Because all his friends were girls.

Niece – Ya.

Me – And, for reasons best known to himself, he ate all the girls.

Niece – You know why he was a princess?

Me – Please tell me.

Niece – Because he liked to eat sparkles. And that’s how he got all sparkly.

Me – Does a princess have to be sparkly?

Niece – Yes. And they also have a pet.

Me – Aw, what kind of pet?

Niece – A bus.

Me – Do you think you could draw this rat crocodile princess?

Niece – Ya.

Me – Excellent. Sally forth with paper and colored pencils.

Niece – It’s going to be so scary.

Me – I shall gird my loins.

*

Me – So I was wondering if you could walk me through this picture. Because it seems very complicated, there’s definitely a lot going on here.

Niece – Ya.

Me – So right here, we seem to have…a mountain range? Or a chainsaw possibly?

Niece – It’s elbows.

Me – So then this box-like structure is … an ear?

Niece – Nose.

Me – Why is it outside his face? This is his face, right?

Niece – Because I put it there.

Me – I see. I honestly can’t think of a better reason for a nose to be outside a face.

Niece – Say what this is.

Me – It’s a … deflated egg? With feet?

Niece – It’s a shoe rack.

Me – Why is there a shoe- actually you know what? Never mind. Tell me what this fountain of rainbows is coming from his…

Niece – Mouth.

Me – Right, his mouth. Is he throwing up? Are those his teeth? Are you going to tell me it’s actually a piano or an artistic expression of regret?

Niece – He’s eating sparkles.

Me – Oh right.

Niece – And he’s throwing up.

Me – Ok. And so this entire being is half rat and half crocodile…how exactly?

Niece – His back is a rat. And his feet are crocodiles, see?

Me – Ah. And when you say they are crocodiles, I see that each foot is an actual crocodile. Unless those are slabs of cheese.

Niece – It’s crocodiles.

Me – Well. This is, by far, the best rat crocodile princess I have seen today.

Niece – I know.

Me – So is it a boy or a girl? I don’t think we resolved that.

Niece – He’s both.

Me – As are we all.

Niece – Except when he’s a house.

Me – Right. Remind me to talk to you about that one day.

Niece – You want my rat crocodile princess picture?

Me – Oh awesome, can I have it?

Niece – No.

Small Talk chronicles conversations between the author and her niece that could, in an alternate universe or in this one, be real.