Niece – I tell you something so secret?
Me – Let me guess: you’re actually an elephant.
Niece – No.
Me – You’re actually a banana.
Niece – No!
Me – You’ve just bought 12 kilos of cocaine.
Niece – Hm?
Me – Nothing. You tell me.
Niece – I know a bad word.
Me – Wow.
Niece – Ya.
Me – Where did you learn this bad word?
Niece – The big kids said it.
Me – So, what are you going to do with this word?
Niece – Nothing.
Me – Ya? You’re just going to keep it in your head?
Niece – Ya. Because it’s a bad word.
Me – Okay, well, that sounds like a good plan.
Niece – You know any bad word?
Me – A few.
Niece – Say me.
Me – Why do you want to learn bad words?
Niece – Just say me. Please.
Me – Um … poosinikai?
Niece – That’s pumpkin in Tamil.
Me – How about tree … leafy.
Niece – What means tree-leafy.
Me – It’s like when there’s like… a tree? And… stuff.
Niece – What stuff?
Me – Just like… leafy stuff.
Niece – Why is it a bad word?
Me – Because tree-leafy is like… like, if someone said that to me, I’d be like, ‘No, I’m not a tree… leafy.’
Niece – It’s like moron.
Me – What the heck? Where did you learn ‘moron’ from?
Niece – From a movie. I tell you the new bad word I learned?
Me – I don’t know, I—
Niece – It starts with F.
Me – Well, tha— what?
Niece – Starts with F.
Me – The F word? You learned the F word?
Niece – Ya.
Me – Oh my God.
Niece – Ya.
Me – Oh my God.
Niece – I can say it if you want.
Me – Don’t don’t don’t shhh oh my god.
Niece – Because it’s so bad.
Me – Where did you hear this word?
Niece – The big kids. And one time you said it.
Me – No! You heard me say it?
Niece – Ya.
Me – Dude, oh no.
Niece – You said it on the phone. You said someone was a hecking f—
Me – Ah-ah-ah! Fish. I said hecking fish.
Niece – No. You said—
Me – Fudge. Formaldehyde. Oh my hecking heck, what have I done?
Niece – You said a bad word.
Me – Ya. I’m sorry, little dude. You shouldn’t know that word.
Niece – I say it?
Me – No. Don’t ever say it. Ever.
Niece – How come you get to say it?
Me – Because I’m a big person.
Niece – You said when I did potty by myself I was a big person.
Me – This goes far beyond potty.
Niece – When I get big, I can say bad words?
Me – No. Yes. I don’t know. I’m going home now, okay? Don’t say that word.
Niece – It’s f—
Me – Don’t! Oh my God!
*
Niece – Hi.
Me – Hello.
Niece – You remember that time when I said to you about some bad word something?
Me – No.
Niece – Some bad word or something I said to you.
Me – I know nothing about this. You never said anything to me.
Niece – Ya, I think so. I said.
Me – This never happened.
Niece – Why you don’t want me to say it.
Me – Because there’s so many nicer words out there. Like… adhesive.
Niece – Hm?
Me – Adhesive. Say it.
Niece – Is it a bad word?
Me – No, it’s a nice, harmless word. Or petrichor. Or borborygmi.
Niece – What means the fffff bad word.
Me – Oh, don’t do this to me.
Niece – Does it mean cockroach?
Me – Not exactly.
Niece – Does it mean like hitting someone?
Me – It could, I guess. In a way. It’s actually a bit complicated.
Niece – Like so much hitting?
Me – No, it’s like… I actually have no idea what to say to you right now.
Niece – Why?
Me – Because no one told me what to say when something like this happens.
Niece – When someone says bad word.
Me – When you say bad word.
Niece – It’s okay.
Me – Yeah? I feel like I should tell you something useful. Because you’re probably going to end up using this word when you’re older.
Niece – Even though it’s a bad word?
Me – Even though it’s a bad word.
Niece – Why?
Me – Because sometimes you might just feel something so much that you just say it.
Niece – So you have to say bad word?
Me – No, you don’t have to. Maybe you’ll learn some better words to use when you grow up.
Niece – I say the bad word anyway?
Me – Do you absolutely have to?
Niece – I just say to you, very quiet. I say it in your ear.
Niece whispers.
Me – Oh!
Niece – Ya.
Me – You said “fool!”
Niece – Shhh!
Me – I called someone a hecking fool on the phone?
Niece – You’re keeping on saying it!
Me – Oh, I’m sorry, little dude. You’re right — it’s not the best word. But it’s not that bad. I mean, you’re going to hear words that are a lot worse.
Niece – Should I tell Amma my bad fffff word?
Me – You absolutely should. Right now.
Niece – Okay.
Me – Make sure you tell her it’s the F word. And you never heard me say it, okay?
Niece – Okay. You said it on the phone but.
Me – No, I didn’t.
Niece – You did but.
Me – Go tell your Amma.
Niece – You did but.
Me – Okay, I’m going now.
Niece – You did.
Small Talk chronicles conversations between the author and her niece that could, in an alternate universe or in this one, be real.
