Niece – I tell you something so secret?

Me – Let me guess: you’re actually an elephant.

Niece – No.

Me – You’re actually a banana.

Niece – No!

Me – You’ve just bought 12 kilos of cocaine.

Niece – Hm?

Me – Nothing. You tell me.

Niece – I know a bad word.

Me – Wow.

Niece – Ya.

Me – Where did you learn this bad word?

Niece – The big kids said it.

Me – So, what are you going to do with this word?

Niece – Nothing.

Me – Ya? You’re just going to keep it in your head?

Niece – Ya. Because it’s a bad word.

Me – Okay, well, that sounds like a good plan.

Niece – You know any bad word?

Me – A few.

Niece – Say me.

Me – Why do you want to learn bad words?

Niece – Just say me. Please.

Me – Um … poosinikai?

Niece – That’s pumpkin in Tamil.

Me – How about tree … leafy.

Niece – What means tree-leafy.

Me – It’s like when there’s like… a tree? And… stuff.

Niece – What stuff?

Me – Just like… leafy stuff.

Niece – Why is it a bad word?

Me – Because tree-leafy is like… like, if someone said that to me, I’d be like, ‘No, I’m not a tree… leafy.’

Niece – It’s like moron.

Me – What the heck? Where did you learn ‘moron’ from?

Niece – From a movie. I tell you the new bad word I learned?

Me – I don’t know, I—

Niece – It starts with F.

Me – Well, tha— what?

Niece – Starts with F.

Me – The F word? You learned the F word?

Niece – Ya.

Me – Oh my God.

Niece – Ya.

Me – Oh my God.

Niece – I can say it if you want.

Me – Don’t don’t don’t shhh oh my god.

Niece – Because it’s so bad.

Me – Where did you hear this word?

Niece – The big kids. And one time you said it.

Me – No! You heard me say it?

Niece – Ya.

Me – Dude, oh no.

Niece – You said it on the phone. You said someone was a hecking f—

Me – Ah-ah-ah! Fish. I said hecking fish.

Niece – No. You said—

Me – Fudge. Formaldehyde. Oh my hecking heck, what have I done?

Niece – You said a bad word.

Me – Ya. I’m sorry, little dude. You shouldn’t know that word.

Niece – I say it?

Me – No. Don’t ever say it. Ever.

Niece – How come you get to say it?

Me – Because I’m a big person.

Niece – You said when I did potty by myself I was a big person.

Me – This goes far beyond potty.

Niece – When I get big, I can say bad words?

Me – No. Yes. I don’t know. I’m going home now, okay? Don’t say that word.

Niece – It’s f—

Me – Don’t! Oh my God!

*

Niece – Hi.

Me – Hello.

Niece – You remember that time when I said to you about some bad word something?

Me – No.

Niece – Some bad word or something I said to you.

Me – I know nothing about this. You never said anything to me.

Niece – Ya, I think so. I said.

Me – This never happened.

Niece – Why you don’t want me to say it.

Me – Because there’s so many nicer words out there. Like… adhesive.

Niece – Hm?

Me – Adhesive. Say it.

Niece – Is it a bad word?

Me – No, it’s a nice, harmless word. Or petrichor. Or borborygmi.

Niece – What means the fffff bad word.

Me – Oh, don’t do this to me.

Niece – Does it mean cockroach?

Me – Not exactly.

Niece – Does it mean like hitting someone?

Me – It could, I guess. In a way. It’s actually a bit complicated.

Niece – Like so much hitting?

Me – No, it’s like… I actually have no idea what to say to you right now.

Niece – Why?

Me – Because no one told me what to say when something like this happens.

Niece – When someone says bad word.

Me – When you say bad word.

Niece – It’s okay.

Me – Yeah? I feel like I should tell you something useful. Because you’re probably going to end up using this word when you’re older.

Niece – Even though it’s a bad word?

Me – Even though it’s a bad word.

Niece – Why?

Me – Because sometimes you might just feel something so much that you just say it.

Niece – So you have to say bad word?

Me – No, you don’t have to. Maybe you’ll learn some better words to use when you grow up.

Niece – I say the bad word anyway?

Me – Do you absolutely have to?

Niece – I just say to you, very quiet. I say it in your ear.

Niece whispers.

Me – Oh!

Niece – Ya.

Me – You said “fool!”

Niece – Shhh!

Me – I called someone a hecking fool on the phone?

Niece – You’re keeping on saying it!

Me – Oh, I’m sorry, little dude. You’re right — it’s not the best word. But it’s not that bad. I mean, you’re going to hear words that are a lot worse.

Niece – Should I tell Amma my bad fffff word?

Me – You absolutely should. Right now.

Niece – Okay.

Me – Make sure you tell her it’s the F word. And you never heard me say it, okay?

Niece – Okay. You said it on the phone but.

Me – No, I didn’t.

Niece – You did but.

Me – Go tell your Amma.

Niece – You did but.

Me – Okay, I’m going now.

Niece – You did.

Small Talk chronicles conversations between the author and her niece that could, in an alternate universe or in this one, be real.