The Virginity Hamper: Products For Society’s Virginity Needs
Introducing our virginity gift hamper! If you are a family member, prospective groom, or simply a nosy person interested in what women do with their bodies, these five unique products are designed to reinforce your toxic beliefs and help men and their families secure the brides of their dreams. Offer valid till the end of time.
This is our campaign on calling out the social construct that is virginity, designed and illustrated by Denise D’Souza. Read The Swaddle’s long form feature on the demand for hymenoplasty surgeries, where Ananya Singh reports on the societal pressures driving it.
The Virginity Locker is a foolproof, airtight, 100% sealed container to store a woman’s most precious flower. The safe comes with a special key that your lucky man gets to unlock on your first night of marriage. With this secure safe, never worry about losing your virginity – again.
It’s always been very difficult to tell a virgin apart from a non-virgin, but this state of the art virginity detector seamlessly breaches the bodily autonomy-barrier. Buy this revolutionary wand today to ensure efficient policing of all women around you.
You’ve heard of bird-watchers — but what about virginity-watchers? This is the perfect app for the forgotten group of enthusiasts of policing women’s personal choices. Our tracker makes this easier for everyone who wishes to easily zero-in on the nearest woman losing her virginity. This is the women’s safety app you never know you needed: download today!
Ladies, have you ever felt the incessant tug of your own desires keeping you up at night? Fear not: this extra-virgin lotion repels penises when you may be unable to control yourself. With its special SPF (So Penis Fearing) formula, it helps you avoid the unwanted pollution of your own agency.
Presenting an all new addition to our Grow Your Own Patriarchy line: the Virgin Bride! Men, you need only dunk the lifeless doll in ‘sindoor’ to make her blossom into the woman you were always meant to have: an actual object. Apply the coupon code HYPOCR8 for an additional discount if you yourself are not a virgin.
Disclaimer: All products are fictional, and purely a work of satire.
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