Welcome to TMI, a monthly series that crowdsources awkward details and uncomfortable moments that come with occupying our bodies.

Think BDSM, and if you’re among the uninitiated, chances are your mind conjures images from something like Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s probably the most popular mainstream depiction of it – although one that has been called out for being “too pretty” and unrealistic. But in the absence of a sex-positive – more specifically, a kink-positive – society, BDSM and its range of sexual preferences (bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, sadism-masochism) get a bad rap for being predominantly – and incorrectly – associated with violence. This argument completely ignores what research says about the positives of exploring kinks – from bettering communication skills and forging lasting bonds to improving mental health. Navigating kinkshaming and judgment then becomes the first hurdle to cross for many who find themselves fantasizing about handcuffs, whips and blindfolds. We asked people what their first experience with BDSM was like. Here’s what they said:

Sometimes, it’s just awkward

“Most stupid one. I was tied up and my eyes were blindfolded too. I started snoring.”

“My first experience was inspired, as many young men’s idea of BDSM is, from porn. But they always make it look quite easy in the videos. I went into it with as much confidence as the men in those videos. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the awkwardness in navigating the first time. I was trying to tie her up but we didn’t have ropes, all we had were bed sheets. So I tied her up, but because of the thickness of the sheets her hands kept coming loose. After a point, we just started laughing. It wasn’t as intense or as sexy as I envisioned it to be, but it was fun. And that was my takeaway as well, that it should be fun for everyone involved and it’s okay to laugh. I think we all tend to take these things too seriously. It often becomes a show of masculinity, a show of assertion or aggression. But then, instead of that, it can also be a fun experience where you are just sharing some good times with your partner.”

“Embarrassing at first, but natural later.”

“Scary to tread into new territory but once I became comfortable, it was so exciting!”

Lessons in sexual play

“I think apart from looking things up online and fantasizing, the first experience I had was while living alone. I feel like until only a few years ago, I felt a level of shame and guilt for being into BDSM. But what helped was when I was living abroad and there was an adult toy store near my house. One day, I took the plunge and entered the store awkwardly. I tried to not make eye contact with anyone but the shopkeeper was so sweet and definitely realized I was new to this. She helped me out with suggestions and what I should buy. The way she explained things in a playful, matter-of-fact way, especially when describing certain activities one would do with the toys felt so normal. Like, ‘Hey, this is totally fine.’ It helped me open up more to the idea of this being something that’s actually a part of me. The resulting excitement and experimenting with the toys felt so nice and liberating, that it makes me feel that my first experience with the experimentation was with myself.

I think my first real experience with someone was when I was seeing them but they were in another city. I opened up to them about being into this stuff, especially control and domination, and me being a submissive. Took some time for me to be able to say it openly – they didn’t know their preferences but made me feel safe sharing it. Then they realized how they liked being dominant and we had some interesting dynamics for a bit via text, and it was cool because a lot of it felt very cerebral and visceral, rather than just sexual.”

“My experience with BDSM lies in knife play, which is a kink for knives. Getting a knife dragged all across my body while I’m blindfolded and/or handcuffed is thrilling and arousing. My ex-partner and I tried it out multiple times and it was quite a fulfilling experience each time.”

“Never knew choking could be fun. Especially when the girl demands to be choked.”

Liberating, but in small doses

“It was amazing and eye-opening. However, it was more emotionally draining than what I anticipated.”

“Involved a lot of biting, choking, scratching and smacking/slapping. Fun to try/experiment. Wouldn’t prefer it on a regular basis, but mild BDSM once in a while is fine by me.”

“Liberating, cathartic, slutty, intense, fever dream-like, funny, so sexy, the best. TG Edinburgh and life changed.”