Woe Is Me! “Are My Partner and I Fighting Just For Make‑Up Sex?”


Feb 26, 2023


Image Credit: Shirin Farhad (1956)

Woe Is Me! is a series in which The Swaddle team indulges your pity party with advice you’ll probably ignore.

“I’ve been in a long distance relationship for a while, but we have been fighting a lot. It started around three months after we began dating. I’m a non-confrontational person, but he is someone who likes to hash things out then and there. While the number of fights has since reduced, the intensity hasn’t. The fights usually lead to steamy passion and great make-up sex when we are together, and I sometimes feel we create these situations to fight over just to be able to make-up that way. But this constant conflict is now affecting my mental health. How do I resolve this?”

— War and sex

RN: Assuming this is some kind of a kink, what if you turn the fights into some sort of a role-play scenario? That’s what you seem to be doing anyway, but it’s probably healthier to acknowledge the make-believe-ness of it all, rather than pretend to have fights in earnest — lest one of you should actually end up hurting the other. The fact that it’s impacting your mental health shows how this has already happened. Having said that, I’m also a bit concerned that this is veering into emotionally toxic territory. I’m not a mental health expert, but it seems to me that creating a repeated association between emotional hurt and great sex isn’t the best thing for either yourself or the relationship — or even your relationship with sex itself. You probably need to pause the next time this is about to happen and talk about what’s going on. 

DR: I’m glad you’re having great sex, but beyond that, your relationship doesn’t sound healthy at all. Of course, the constant conflict is affecting your mental health; it sounds incredibly stressful, and being perpetually stressed isn’t great for our overall health. I don’t think I’m equipped to advise you on the nuts and bolts of your coupledom. Instead, I’d strongly urge you to consider couples’ counseling. 

AB: I hate to be ‘that’ person, but if you’re both fighting constantly just for the make-up sex, then, maybe, the relationship isn’t worth it. The long distance element would make any relationship difficult, but if your primary interaction is conflict, you need to either discuss it or end the relationship. You know that this constant conflict is negatively impacting your mental health, and while conflict isn’t unhealthy in a relationship, it can’t be all of it. Yes, you are a non-confrontational person, but you need to decide if the relationship with him is worth having just for the sex, and if you are okay with being in such a high-stress situation constantly. Communicate with your partner! Use this to practice your confrontational skills in, what should be, a comfortable environment, and develop those conflict-resolution skills. I promise you, the passion behind the famed make-up sex can be replicated in other emotional situations — and, that too, without the accompanying mental exhaustion. Ask yourself: is the dick really that worth it?

AS: If you think there’s a pattern to these fights, then try sitting down and talking to him about this? Because nothing should be above your mental health, and you cannot move ahead from here if you do not communicate about this. And, maybe, before you start this discussion, mention to him that it must not end in a fight. All the best. 


Written By The Swaddle Team


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