Woe Is Me! is a series in which The Swaddle team indulges your pity party with advice you’ll probably ignore.

"I left my home after the 12th grade and have mostly been away since then. I do miss my family, but staying alone has made me the independent person I am today. I’m getting married in three months and my last workplace wasn’t compatible with my growth, so I decided to stay at home before joining a new workplace. Soon, an excellent opportunity came along and I decided to take it up. At the same time, I feel like I should spend some time with my family before I get married and move to a different city again. Am I a bad person for prioritizing my career over my family?"

-- Guilty conscience

SA: There is a pressure in India to spend time with family and prioritize them above all else. However, this shouldn't be a compulsion; it should be a choice. If choosing this work opportunity is going to serve your career a lot now and in the future, you should 100% go for it. And that doesn't mean you don't love your family or prioritize them. If you want to spend time with family for the three months before marriage then choose that. But let it be your choice, and a very informed one. Don't lose out on an opportunity just because of guilt. Also, don't look at marriage as something that will take you away from your family; you should still spend time with them and not leave them by the wayside in favour of the new family you build with your partner. It is possible to do both.

NY: From a female perspective, this pervasive sense of guilt in pursuing our own decisions and happiness feels more rampantly experienced by women. This heartbreaking guilt is very distinctly tied to the fear of disappointing parents — a fear instilled in girls early on. Societal messages — both subtle and overt in the tradition of familial patriarchal nature of society, where women are by default cast in the roles of nurturers and caregivers — exposes us to such narratives that a woman's primary role is to provide emotional and physical support, and reinforces a sense of duty that goes along with the "women are more caring"-trope. I see how you find yourself succumbing to this existential dilemma, which can definitely become a significant source of emotional burden and stress. I would say: discuss this with your parents.

It's always better to relieve yourself of such speculation and start meaningful dialogs with your loved ones. That way, it would help them understand that despite you choosing to go after your own dreams and desires, you still continue to care for them deeply, and keep them in your thoughts. I am sure they will deeply appreciate this even if you cannot spend more time with them right away. Perhaps, it's time to start planning for a family vacation in the near future!

AS: Sure, you’ll be moving to a different city after marriage but that doesn’t mean your relationship with your family is ending! Is this pressure to prioritize your family coming from them or from you? Don’t let guilt stop your growth. You need to make this decision based on what you think is the right path for you – taking up an opportunity does not necessarily mean you’re deprioritizing your family. There are ways to connect, keep in touch, and sustain those relationships even if you’re not in the same city.