Woe Is Me! is a series in which The Swaddle team indulges your pity party with advice you’ll probably ignore.

“I am a bisexual guy, currently in a relationship with a gay boyfriend. No one knows about either our sexual orientation, or our relationship. Meanwhile, I have a crush on a girl and want her to be in my life. But I’m worried that if I pursue her, I might be cheating on my boyfriend. Can bisexual people be in relationships with both a man and a woman simultaneously?”

— What are the rules?

DR: I really don’t want to be mean, but you know this is the kind of thing that gives our (bisexual) community a bad rep, right? If you are in a monogamous relationship with your boyfriend, then yes, indeed, it is cheating. People can be bisexual — or even pansexual — and monogamous; they can be straight and polyamorous, too. The prefix “bi” doesn’t mean that a bisexual person must date two people, each belonging to one set of the gender binary, at any given point in time; it simply means that the dating pool of a bisexual person is larger. In other words, there are more fish in your sea. But it’s up to you — and your partner(s) — to decide whether you’d like to date them monogamously, or see other people, too. You might want to look up ployamory.

QG: This is a conversation to be had with yourself and your partner. Polyamory is perfectly normal and it seems to me that you’re gravitating towards that — if yes, why don’t you sit with yourself and see if that’s what you want to try out? I’m sure having an honest and open conversation with your partner will yield results that will help you figure out the same. Cheating, though, is something you might want to avoid. It’s really not worth it — not for anyone else, but for your own conscience.

AS: As long as you are honest about it with your partners, and everybody involved consents to it, you can be in as many relationships as you want. But if the understanding between you and your current partner is that you are in a monogamous relationship, and if the two of you have not had a conversation about this — then yes, it would be considered cheating. This is something you need to discuss with your partner, so they can let you know what they are, or are not, comfortable with, as well.

AS: Bisexual polyamorous people — when they have negotiated it properly with all their partners and potential partners — can simultaneously be in relationships with a man and a woman, and maybe other people, too. But that’s a different ball game from being a monogamous bisexual. Having said that, it is obviously okay to have feelings for both a man and a woman, and it is also okay to have feelings simultaneously for multiple people. Just, take people into confidence while you try to figure things out. And, fair warning, it can get messy. So, remember to breathe.