Woe Is Me! is a series in which The Swaddle team indulges your pity party with advice you’ll probably ignore.

“I have been in a relationship with one of my distant relatives — my cousin brother — for years. I was madly in love with him, and he loved me too. It was a long distance relationship and we shared very personal things; we were in an online physical relationship, so to speak. We haven’t seen each other face to face yet. Things took a turn and we broke up in 2019, but we couldn’t stop thinking about each other. We still text each other and talk. I’ve tried to move on many times, and even began dating others. But I can’t let go of him, and that affects my relationships. I don’t think I can ever be with someone except him. I also know we can’t be together for life. What should we do?”

–Taboo love

DR: How distantly are you two related? What exactly is it that’s prompting you to say that you “can’t be together for life” — are you concerned your family will oppose it? Is your cousin categorically opposed to the idea? Are you closely related enough for your relationship to be incestuous? Is it simply society you fear? I have a lot of unanswered questions to be able to advise you, in good faith.

Meanwhile, I’d also urge you to consider why you “can’t let go of him” — is it the forbidden nature of this pairing that’s adding to its appeal? Have you been in a healthy romantic/sexual relationship otherwise? Was your dynamic with this person toxic, making you find healthier relationships boring? Or, was it the only healthy relationship you’ve had? Have you honestly tried to get over him? If you truly do want to move on, you need to take a break from contacting each other for a while — even up to a year, if not more, I’d say, since you haven’t moved on from a breakup that happened four years ago!

NY: Well, even though you’re walking a line many might consider to be incestuous, I personally don’t find it to be so terrible. After all, love is love and as long as the parties involved don’t find the rules around whom to marry creeping into their minds, it’s all good.

But my discontent is with what seems to be differing depths of emotional attachment between you two. It seems that your cousin is not all in, while you’ve been love-sick all along. Have you ever considered the idea of him keeping you as a placeholder to leach off the convenience of having an “online physical relationship” with you? If not, since you both are still in touch, you might want to have an open conversation around why each of you are against the proposal of being together “forever.”

I get that there may be constraints from your community, or your family, but the plausibility of you being able to make it on your own doesn’t seem all that skeptical to me. Achieving independence from moral chains might help you to reconnect better with the love of your life and gain a better sense of ownership over your love life. However, a note of caution: since you have self-admittedly sabotaged another relationship over this person, it might be wise to discuss this with people you find comfortable confiding in — perhaps a therapist? — before you attempt reigniting any romantic relations with your ex, especially since you have not met him ever and it puts you in a particularly vulnerable state.

Often, the reality is very different from our imagination and maybe after spending more time and in-person interactions with your cousin, you might decide you’re better off without him. So, before throwing the towel in either way, do some deep introspection, weigh in on your options, and see where they take you. Meanwhile, keep exploring and dating, you never know when cupid might strike again!

AS: I think any resolution to this situation needs to begin with you and your cousin having a frank conversation about where you both stand on this relationship. Are you both as invested in it and sure you want to be together? Or do you want to move on, whatever your reasons may be for that? Here, I’m assuming these reasons have something to do with judgment from society at large, or the possibility that your families may refuse to accept this. Any relationship you choose to enter should be yours, and your partner’s decision — whoever that may be. This conversation might give you both more clarity to make an informed decision, and even help with closure if you’re looking to move on.