Woe Is Me! is a series in which The Swaddle team indulges your pity party with advice you’ll probably ignore.

“I envy my best friend for everything — from her achievements to her physical beauty. We share a great bond, but I’m having a hard time and constantly comparing myself to her. Whenever we go out, at least one guy will hit on her, and I feel completely invisible. I know this is not healthy, but I really don’t know what to do! I can’t tell my best friend this, and now I rarely step out of my room because of these massive insecurities. But I also don’t have any good friends apart from her… Am I a bad friend for feeling this way?”

— I’m here too, you know

NY: Firstly, I want to start by saying how sorry I am about what you are going through. I’ve been in similar situations, where it feels like your efforts always go unnoticed. It can truly shake your sense of self-worth, leaving deep-seated insecurities that take time to heal. But let me reassure you — NO, you are not a bad friend, not in the slightest, from what I gather from your message. You’ve been grappling with your inner turmoil, choosing to isolate yourself without projecting any negativity onto your friend out of jealousy. That’s a significant feat. The fact that you are so deeply concerned about this situation speaks volumes about how much you value your relationships. And I promise that, in time, you’ll learn to value yourself just as much, if not more. For something that is not your doing, it might take some inner work, and it will surely feel like a lot. We all find ourselves in this spot at one time or another, and it has less to do with our own deficiencies than the system at large, which compels us to partake in this heedless race with no finish line. Please remember and remind yourself: you are worthy, you are important, and YOU matter! Our existence goes way beyond what some may make of it; beauty does lie in the eyes of the beholder, and the old adage holds some truth. There is strength in vulnerability, freedom in authenticity, and power in trusting yourself enough — even if no one else does.

It is amazing that you were able to acknowledge this dilemma, and the next step is to process it through fostering healthy coping mechanisms. You can slowly try and spend some more time with people other than her, you know? You are allowed to do that; it would not be betrayal. Essentially, expand your circle, and find people who connect with you on the basis of things you enjoy. Network with people beyond your immediate professional cohort. It would be amazing to find fulfilment outside of the relationships you’ve grown comfortable in. And, the next time you find yourself spiralling, embrace yourself in a tender hug, I know I know it sounds unusual, and it might also seem weird and creepy the first time you attempt it. But girl, give it a go. Who cares? There is no shame in showing up for yourself the way you deserve — sometimes, the love we seek externally is just our inner child yearning for our attention and affection.

AS: To feel jealous of your friend doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad friend; it only means you’re human. Friendships, even the best of them, are messy — they can be uplifting and reassuring but that doesn’t mean they will be devoid of tension, or jealousies. We’re all guilty of comparing ourselves to others, even though we know it’s a sureshot way to losing some of our self-esteem. When you say you feel invisible in your friend’s presence, is it because of the attention others are showering on her or is it that she makes you feel invisible? Based on your woe, I’m guessing it’s the former. You’re already aware that this jealousy is stemming from your own insecurities. The more you let this fester, however, the more these insecurities might grow and could, eventually, affect the bond you share with her (you already seem to be distancing yourself to an extent). I think you might need to spend some time introspecting, and try to stop seeing yourself in your friend’s shadow, but as your own individual. It won’t happen overnight, but when we start valuing ourselves, the validation we might otherwise be seeking from others ceases to hold as much sway.

DR: I’ve been in almost the exact situation — except, in the shoes of your friend. Many years ago, I found out how a really close friend of mine felt this way about being around me. She, too, never spoke to me about it, which is understandable, of course. But instead of introspecting — or seeking counsel, as you’re doing — she simply started spewing vitriol against me, behind my back, while remaining sweet to my face. In fact, she even slut-shamed me — again, behind my back — for some of the male attention that I didn’t even reciprocate, and was, in fact, creeped out by. Logically, the unwarranted comments should’ve angered me. But since it was so clear that this betrayal was her way to cope with her insecurities, I didn’t feel anger. Instead, I started complimenting her more, and tried to find ways to build her self-confidence. This is, basically, my long-winded way of saying: no, you’re not being a bad friend; not by far! Not only have you managed to avoid toxic ways to cope, but are also wondering if you should feel guilty — which, I think you already are feeling, though you needn’t — about the very existence of the envy you’re harboring for your friend.

Look, society has conventional ideals of beauty and ridiculously rigid ideas of what achievements mean. If we were all able to subscribe to it seamlessly, that would make for a rather homogenous society — bland, boring, bleh. But that doesn’t mean we can’t all strive to find ways to appreciate ourselves. Focus on the things about yourself that make you proud, and work towards building them up further in whatever capacity your circumstances permit you to. Gradually, you’ll realize how the insecurities have begun to feel dimmer in the light of that confidence. And, that’s not all, try to surround yourself with people whose camaraderie makes you feel better about yourself — that really helps, too!