Woe Is Me! is a series in which The Swaddle team indulges your pity party with advice you’ll probably ignore.

“I got married to a man with erectile dysfunction. The thing is, he had doubts regarding his situation before marriage and had, apparently, consulted a doctor at his place in the U.S. This doctor, however, just asked him to be physically fit. Now, I’m a doctor myself, and my husband didn’t discuss this with me before we got married. Afterwards, when I moved to the U.S. with my husband, we began experiencing intimacy issues.

On the one hand, the fact that he didn’t disclose his condition to me before marriage is troubling me. On the other, he and his family — and even my own family members — are pressuring me to adjust with him saying that this is common and I’m the one who is having ‘adjustment issues.’ What should I do?”

— The pressure builds

DR: You are having adjustment issues, though — in terms of adjusting to their expectations of not voicing your disapproval of their dishonesty. They held pertinent information from you, and they’re now trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re somehow at fault in all this when you were denied the opportunity to make an informed decision about this marriage. If you lived with vaginismus and were aware of it, but actively avoided letting your prospective in-laws know about it until you were married, wouldn’t they be pissed? Similarly, if you were infertile, and deliberately hid it from them, I’m sure they’d be throwing a fit about that. Your anger isn’t any less valid. I understand that ED is a highly stigmatized condition — especially in a society as patriarchal as ours — but it’s not only inexcusable to keep this information from you, but even worse that they’re refusing to take responsibility for their massive breach of trust. And given that trust is a cornerstone of most relationships — more so, when it comes to a lifelong partnership — I’d say its absence, here, is reason enough for you to walk out of this relationship.

Where does your husband stand on all this — does he seem apologetic, at least, for the misrepresentation? If he is, and if you love this man, and want to pursue a relationship with him, you can collectively explore options where his ED doesn’t get in the way of having a sexually satisfying relationship with him. If he hasn’t, though — which I think is the case, here — I’d say: end it!

SA: If this is so common, why did they hide it in the first place? You’re clearly being gaslit, don’t fall for it. Being lied to — be it deliberately or by calculated omission — about something so important, is obviously not okay.

If this issue is becoming a roadblock in you having children (if that’s something important to you), then it’s a good enough reason to separate. If not, and the breach of trust is the main concern, I would recommend an honest conversation with your husband, and probably some marriage counselling. Also, maybe, some distance from his family will be a good idea. They shouldn’t decide what you should or shouldn’t adjust with. If you’re financially stable — I’m assuming you are, since you mentioned you’re a doctor — then move out for a bit till you figure out what you want from this marriage. You’re a smart, grown up woman and you get to choose how you want to move forward. Don’t let them dictate the terms.

AT: That sucks; it’s definitely a shocker. This should’ve been disclosed before you gave your consent to the marriage. For some, that’s enough to end a relationship. But if you love each other, there are still ways you can meet your needs without him. Either way, it seems there’s a lot of “adjustment” to be done, here, and it shouldn’t only be you who has to do it.

AS: ED is not something that needs to be hidden, and it’s not okay that this was not disclosed to you; neither is the role the families have assumed in all this. There’s still a lot of stigma, and even shame, around ED and it, of course, takes a major toll on the individual. What’s spoken about far less, though, is the toll it takes on the partner. Far from giving you the opportunity to come to terms with the situation and support your husband in this, the families seem to have placed the entire onus of this marriage on your shoulders.

There are ways to work through this with your husband, if you want to. But you shouldn’t be blaming yourself for having doubts about this marriage (if that is the case), especially if your husband is pressuring you to adjust, too, without accepting that he is at fault for having broken your trust. I think the next step, here, would be to have that conversation with your husband, and take it from there.