Woe Is Me! is a series in which The Swaddle team indulges your pity party with advice you’ll probably ignore.

"My mother-in-law expects me to mother her son! My husband has been the 'raja beta' and has never had to do even the most basic of chores. After marriage, he is ready to change, but my mother-in-law always expects me to pick up after him, even for the smallest of things. For instance, once, I had to hurry to the office and I told my husband to make the bed once he is up and if time permits, which he did. When I returned, my mother-in-law told me not to ask my husband to do such things. If the bed remains unmade, that’s okay, but my husband shouldn’t have to do it. I’m stuck between an old-school mother-in-law and a fast progressing world. Am I overthinking or is this normal?"

-- Waging a daily war

NY: If by "normal," you mean adhering to traditional marital norms which favor the patriarchy, then yes, your situation fits that description. However, if you're inquiring about whether it's normal, in the sense of being "acceptable" to perpetuate an imbalanced relationship dynamic within your own household, the answer is a resounding NO. If your husband is open to change, encourage him to address the issue without you having to spell it out. It's evident that proper upbringing might be lacking, and it could require significant emotional effort on your part to rectify.

Suggest a conversation between your husband and mother-in-law to establish boundaries. Your domestic arrangements are your concern, not hers. If she resists respecting those boundaries, consider the option of creating a separate living space to start anew. It's unfair for you to bear a double burden and face judgment for requesting the bare minimum. As you rightly pointed out, times are changing, so assert strong boundaries and encourage your kins to adapt to the new reality.

SA: It is absolutely not normal! Indian mothers are infamous for the "raja beta" syndrome but that doesn't make it right. Your husband and you need to set some ground rules for chores especially since you both work outside home. If your MIL can't handle her darling son pulling his weight then that's her problem to deal with. Better yet, if possible, hire some help so neither of you need to be fussed with the chores. Needless to say, though, your husband needs to grow up, put on his big boy pants and stand up to his mother. If he's also "old school" like his mother it's best to cut your losses and run for the hills, lest you're stuck with an overgrown baby husband and an added expectation to baby your own potential male offspring in a similar manner. He needs to change to a large extent or be ready to shell out the money so all the household responsibilities are not just yours. 

AS: You’re not overthinking! The worst part is that you share this plight with countless other women in India who are expected to manage their professional lives while being responsible for all household chores. Is it possible for you to shift out into your own space? That might reduce your mother-in-law’s interference in your daily routines to an extent. It’s a good sign, I guess, that your husband is willing to change his ways, although he might have to bring about a drastic change and not a slight, tokenistic change for this to be an equal partnership and reduce the burden on you.

You have to address this with your husband and remind him that household work is not your job alone, that he’s an adult and can – and should – pick up after himself, and who knows, if it comes from him instead of you, your mother-in-law might be more receptive to it. But just a reminder that you’re probably not going to see any change overnight; this deconditioning is going to take some time.