“The circus begins. From salwar kameez sales, to spa discounts and dating apps. Everything in the name of women’s day. Good morning,” journalist Palki Sharma tweeted Thursday.

Good morning, Palki! You’re wrong. (That statement will make more sense if you imagine it being said in a deeper, patiently mansplain-atory voice.) It’s not everything in the name of International Women’s Day. It’s everything in the name of International Women’s Capitalism Day. Everyone knows that Women’s Day is about getting that sweet lady money from all of the empowered women out there. Which of course is all the women (who look within and Find the Confidence to Be Themselves)!

(T&C: The lady money exchange rate being, of course, 66 paisa to your male peer’s rupee.)

At least all of these appreciative businesses know just what women want to spend on. Flipkart, the e-commerce website, is running its campaign under #ForEveryHer and judging by its advertising, what every Her wants is “handbags and jewellery at half their price, shoes at a minimum 40% off and sarees, kurtis, tops and dresses at 50-80% discounts among other irresistible Women’s Day offers.” Then they name-drop a list of designers because we, ladies, are #worthit.

For the Gurgaon girlfriends — omghiiiiiiii!!!! — Hyatt Place is offering a “lavish spread buffet and unlimited mocktails and soft beverages @888. And attractive salon vouchers.” Because ladies deserve fun (and our beauty upkeep). But you know — not too much fun. Tipsy women not allowed (*cough*sluts*cough*). It’s International Women’s Day, not International Break Gender Stereotypes Day, amiright? *Clink mocktail*

Clothing company H&M, too, is in on the action: “Ladies, here’s an exciting offer exclusively for you — Buy a Blazer and get 50% OFF trousers.” Trousers, get it? #feminism!

At the Mad Over Donuts outlet in Noida ladies can flash their government-issued ID and get a discount matching their age. (Trick discount, girlfriends! Everyone knows women don’t reveal their true ages. But it’s also a trick favor; we probably shouldn’t be indulging in donuts, even on this special occasion.)

Just think about all of the empowered money we’re saving with these International Women’s Day discounts! This is definitely what it takes for us to save up and finally catch up to men in lifetime earnings. We should really be thanking all of these businesses and their male CEOs for the lesson in financial literacy. Thank you, corporates and male CEOs! A discounted designer handbag is so much better than breaking into the C-suite; that said, if we Find the Confidence to Be Ourselves and Lean In, maybe one day we can meet you in the boardroom.

Let’s stuff that leaking pipeline of women in the workforce with the donut we shouldn’t eat. See you at brunch, bitches! (*deep voice* Bitches in the empowered sense, of course. It’s a compliment.)

Anubhuti Matta contributed lady reporting to this article.