In Dangerous Liaisons, people tell us about their forbidden trysts with all the wrong people.

I had an affair with my best friend’s boyfriend a few years ago. I don't know if it was love. I was too young, then – just 19. It started off with all three of us hanging out together. I have an outgoing disposition; he was an introvert but had these little ways of caring for me. Soon, we began talking on the phone... I already had a crush on him, and I was also jealous of the relationship he shared with my friend. With time, we grew closer, and then, one day, we kissed.

But, of course, I felt guilty. In the past, men had been put off by my strong personality; they found me "too independent." Neither am I conventionally good-looking, nor am I the most conventionally feminine. But he didn't care about all that – this drew me to him even more. It's like there was this pull I couldn't resist while hating myself simultaneously for being unable to resist it.

I was lying to my best friend and hated myself for it. We kept deleting our chats and lied to everyone around us about where we were whenever we spent time together. Sometimes, we'd tell our friends we needed to get on a call with someone else when we would just speak to each other.

Besides the guilt that kept eating away at me, I was also fucking miserable that I had to hide my first kiss – which was with him – from my circle of friends. My mental health was an absolute wreck.

The funny thing is that she never suspected me of sleeping with her boyfriend behind her back because of the social capital I'd built over the years; everyone in my circle – including her – believes I’m too morally upright for this.

Being a monogamous person, though, I wanted to be his number one priority. But when we were around others and he played the part of a caring boyfriend for my friend, I'd burn with envy. I wanted him to myself and longed to assert that I held a "more" important position in his life than her. I also struggled to wrap my head around how he could love two people simultaneously – I still don't get it. What was clear from the start, however, was that he would never dump her for me. But I don’t even know if I wanted my best friend to be dumped, you know? It was a strange feeling. On the one hand, I wanted him to myself; I didn’t like that I had to share him with another woman. On the other hand, she was my best friend, so how could I wish ill upon her? It strained our friendship because I kept thinking about how she trusted me and how I had violated that.

After I broke up with him, there was a point when I was crying myself to sleep almost every night. But I couldn't seek anyone's support. Revealing what I was going through might have lightened my burden, but I was too scared that the image they had of me would be damaged irreversibly. It was too risky, so I kept my secret buried within me. They continued to date for a while after that, and I fell out of touch with them. I reconnected briefly with her sometime back, and she told me they weren’t together anymore. I didn’t dig, but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the reason. but have broken up now.

Can you believe I actually changed myself for this for this guy? I was a person who did what I wanted unless someone changed my mind through a convincing argument. But with him, I'd budge easily. I'd also tone down my stubbornness just to please him. In hindsight, I realized he was a toxic guy, and I deserved better. But also, I'm better than this; cheating is immoral, and what's even worse is that I did it to my best friend. This affair has taken a toll on the way I see myself; honestly was an integral part of my personality, but it's crumbled before my very eyes. I don't think I can take pride in myself anymore.

I've never discussed this with anyone – my parents will probably be ashamed of me; my friends, even if they understand, might never look at me the same way again. It's my shame to carry.

As told to Devrupa Rakshit.