In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Bollywood Movie In Which Tamilians Speak Hindi Lauded As Inclusive of Half the Country

A South Indian family unaware that they are in South India.

A recent Hindi film about a Tamilian couple has made the rounds for its groundbreaking portrayal of South Indians. The movie was praised for its nuanced depiction of how sometimes, Tamilians are fans of Rajnikanth, but they also have a personality and a life beyond that. For instance, they have opinions and feelings about food outside curd rice, just like North Indians do. Audiences were privy for the first time into the lives of this elusive demographic occupying one entire half of the country. Tamil audiences in particular had high praise for the Hindi spoken in a film set in Madurai, about a Tamil family, being authentic to its roots. “We didn’t understand it, but it sounded correct nevertheless,” said one moviegoer.

*

Politician Takes Brave Stand Against Communism Through Spat With Cartoon Bird

Scenes of tense confrontation between staunch political rivals.

A gigantic yellow canary bird is the latest entrant into the heated political debate over how best to postpone saving lives during a pandemic. Throwing his weight into the ring, the bird advocated for vaccines and drew the ire of several politicians. The particular representatives, known for their zero-tolerance policy on cancel culture, immediately called for canceling the bird and his show on a giant for-profit television conglomerate, accusing the bird of communism. Reports say that they zeroed in on a certain big red dog as the mastermind behind all the red propaganda. The bird, meanwhile, is in talks for a presidential run.

*

Generic White Man Declared ‘Sexy Beyond Reproach’ for Bare Minimum Decency

Man who just exists and is okay

A straight white man has once again earned the distinction of not letting people down, and was accordingly generously rewarded. His overall niceness and irresistible bare minimum decency bagged him the title of ‘Sexiest Man Alive,’ a title that many feel is well deserved for such an astounding accomplishment. While his contemporaries have consistently been falling like a line of dominoes for one problematic or downright horrific thing after the other, this particular straight white man managed to keep a clean record so far. “We need to recognize such goodwill and humanitarianism and make it sexy,” one of the jury members reportedly said.

*

TV Show About Doctors Conducts Thorough Tests on Patience for 18th Consecutive Season

The cast has resigned to doing this for the rest of their lives.

A show about doctors famous for killing off most of its characters and reviving them in dream sequences for the sake of more plot is coming back for the 18th season. Reports have it that the show plans on continuing indefinitely, until the actors themselves pass on into old age and depart this Earth peacefully, no longer sure of whether they were them or their characters towards the end. In the show, doctors examine several medical mysteries and, having run through them all, miraculously discover several new ones: in which audiences let out uncontrollable and spontaneous groans at the mention of another season.

*

World of Entertainment Celebrates 10 Years of Romanticizing Insufferable Man Child

Man shocked to discover consequences of his actions.

A character who was best known for being a thorough asshole who used other people as props for his hang-ups about fame and success has completed 10 years of being the inspiration for anyone pretending to have a mysterious inner world on dating apps. According to this film, being a genius means possessing the emotional intelligence of a rock. The world cannot get enough of this person, who treated everyone in sight as his own personal emotional tissue. Upon achieving his ends, he was sad that he didn’t feel great about it. Moviegoers felt it was important to celebrate a decade of this stellar guy in the cultural zeitgeist.