In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Bollywood Takes Queer Representation Seriously, Casts Straight Actors in Comedy About Gay People Yet Again

Not only genius, indigenous!

Did you know that Bollywood is turning over a new leaf? The leaf being humor about gay people. The film industry takes great pride in letting audiences know that its days of problematic homophobic humor — featuring caricatures that straight people are meant to laugh at — are officially over. On the other side of this leaf lies a shining future ahead, one featuring caricatures that straight people are meant to laugh at, and then be washed over by “awareness”. A story about a marriage of convenience between a gay man and a lesbian woman is the latest offering under this new era of “awareness cinema.” Geddit? Con-venience? Yes, straight people find queer issues very funny. Straight-up hilarious, you could say. If you don’t laugh, you are not woke enough. Indeed, nobody takes queer representation as seriously as the makers of these films: they aim to represent not just all the colors of the rainbow, but also all the sections of the electromagnetic spectrum — X-ray, UV light, infrared, etc. — where the jokes are hidden. Only the truly woke, the truly aware of us, can perceive the funny bits about queer people in this plot, tucked safely away in invisible light.

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Upper Caste Oppressors Condemn Attack on Their Right To Discriminate Freely in US Campuses

Gatekeepers effectively gatekeeping

Faculty members are up in arms about a grave violation of their rights. Having been given free rein to discriminate and gatekeep knowledge so far, privileged-caste folks are currently experiencing a tough time. As people with not much to go for a soul, these poor humans find themselves hollowed out by an identity crisis brought on by woke terrorists fighting for an end to caste discrimination. “It will cause more discrimination by unconstitutionally singling out and targeting Hindu faculty of Indian and South Asian descent,” an open letter by the concerned group read. As experts in appropriating language to frame themselves as victims, the group is worried that all their expertise will be for naught if this policy comes to pass. Who will they even be if they can no longer gatekeep knowledge the way they have for centuries? Answers are still up in the air.

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Billion Dollar Media Corp Faces Existential Threat When Called Out on Millionth Problematic Remake

A remake parade blissfully unaware

It took one man verbalizing a question that was on everyone’s minds for a billion-dollar animation combine to come to a grinding halt and ask: why? Why are we remaking a film from 1930 in 2022? The actor pointed out that the depiction of dwarves in the original fairy tale was problematic to say the least, and the studio is currently scrambling for solutions to this unprecedented crisis. Notwithstanding that the studio can literally buy everything on the planet with ease, it is stuck having to indulge in some inconvenient soul-searching after the first sensible question anyone has ever asked about the remake parade. With this new and only wedge in the creative process, the production company is not sure how to proceed, having run out of all its creative material required to function. Filmmakers are in a fix: if not remaking old animated stories, what is the company’s purpose? Was it not enough to cast a Latina actor in the lead role? How much more subversion can the studio take before it breaks completely? In this unfolding crisis, it remains to be seen how the creative catastrophe will be circumvented.

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Man Unlocks New Level of Audacity, Accuses Acclaimed Songwriter of Not Writing Her Own Songs

A great man has something to say

A man who was asked for his opinion on issue A, generously provided comments on issue B, bringing issue C to the mix and person D as a convenient scapegoat. In doing so, the person set his only record ever as the man with the most audacity, by falsely stating that an artist known for her songwriting didn’t actually write her own songs. How did he know? He didn’t say. Why would he need to? He is a man, and that is enough. This audacious truth sayer, the braveheart and thought leader that nobody needs or deserves was, alas, not found vindicated this time around, when a simple Google-search and the entirety of Twitter informed him otherwise. But fortune favors the wise, and this man is certainly wiser for this experience.

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Conservative Man Creates Brand New Show About TV’s Most Underrepresented Group, the English Aristocracy

People who don’t at all look like each other

A man for whom representation matters very much has just come out with yet another show about the English aristocracy, whom we have not heard nearly enough about. That this group of people already dominates much of world history is not enough, according to show-runners. This new show will feature a diverse cast of white people and one black person, and truly subversive plots such as how having too much wealth and power is nice. If this all sounds similar to another serialized drama about the same group of people, that’s precisely because it is. Except, this show aims to right the wrongs of the previous show: for one, the older one did not reduce the working class to obsequious caricatures nearly enough. It also did not have enough feathery headdresses to add substance to the plot, which this new show more than makes up for.