The Buzz Cut: Brand New Platitudes on Women’s Day Liberate Women From All Hope
In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Brand New Platitudes on Women’s Day Liberate Women From All Hope
A new dawn for women’s rights arose this week. Women were treated to a deluge of “good morning superwoman” messages upon opening their eyes, followed by discounts in kitchen appliances and advice from multimillionaires on working more. The dazzling new changes turned society upside down. After much activism and pain, brands have finally understood what women want: unsolicited advice, well wishes, and vibes. The abundance of these on a single day was enough to defeat patriarchy overnight. One particular e-commerce brand went far enough as to pay tribute to the labor roots of International Women’s Day: it offered discounts on blenders and beaters, perhaps as a feminist ode to the more masculine hammer and sickle. And just like that, sexism vanished without a trace — just like wrinkles from skin, stains from clothes, and pockets from clothes — all at a lifetime discount of hope.
Billionaire Tech Lord and Communist Artist Have Another Child, Name Feared To Be Minted as NFT
A happy couple welcomed their second child recently. This union of capitalism and communism are not a glitch in the matrix, as the couple’s representatives have promised. Speculations have arisen as to what the baby will be named this time around; with some suggesting that whatever it is, it will be so unique as to be minted as a non fungible token. Rumor has it that the unique algorithm that will store the baby’s name is the name itself. Reportedly, anybody wishing to call or refer to the child in any way will have to first race to solve a unique math problem using supercomputers. All this will reportedly preclude the possibility of the name being stolen or used unfairly.
Regency Drama Successfully Decolonizes With Indian Family Saga Song
A popular regency drama that romanticizes a time when England was busy colonizing the world has offset this inconvenient detail with a nifty little addition. It will feature a South Asian character in its upcoming season and, in honor of the same, will feature a popular Hindi song that romanticized a time in India where people started going abroad a lot. With events having come full circle this way, colonialism got #cancelled and all is set to be more than well in The Ton once again.
Tech-sis Launches Crypto Music Videos, Ushers in Techno-dystopia
One of the foremost tech villains’ sisters has launched music videos in praise of crypto currency. Not much is known about the project, other than the fact that it is a big to “building the inclusiverse,” according to her Twitter. Amid confusion and bewilderment, experts have confirmed that this is neither a parallel universe nor a simulation. Cryptobros, meanwhile, are not sure what to make of this particular brand of endorsement.
Model’s Instagram Caption Turns Into World Map as Magazine Pretends Palestine Doesn’t Exist
After a model pledged her support to war relief in Ukraine and Palestine, a fashion magazine edited out the latter detail in their report on the same. They effectively turned the caption into the world geopolitical map, where other countries, too, like to pretend that Palestine doesn’t exist. As a magazine committed to upholding beauty norms, it was world-renowned for speaking truth to power. The latest lapse, where it continued to uphold the status quo, therefore did not come as much of a surprise.
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