In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

British Man Marvels at Gandhian Non Violence From Atop a Bulldozer

A British man while visiting a former colony made a pitstop at white people’s spiritual Coachella — the Sabarmati Ashram, one of Gandhi’s residences. While there, the man — let’s call him BoJo JoJo — commented on how Gandhi exemplified truth and non-violence to change the world. BoJo JoJo was immediately inspired to emulate these two values in his business deals with tycoons. The man carried these love and peace vibes onto a joyride on a bulldozer. On the side, the bulldozer is at optimal use demolishing the homes and lives of minority communities in the capital city. Having sufficiently cleansed his soul thus, the man then went on to attend meetings with industrialists to pave way for more demolition drives and inequality.

*

Virtuous Actor, and Fan of Nationalism, Guilty of Selling Harmful Products — Paan Masala

India’s best and biggest fanboy has no regrets about his career choices — except for one. As a man of virtue, the actor despises lying to the public. He was, after all, the only one to manage securing a tell-all interview with the Primer Minister — ahead of all journalists — to courageously uncover his favorite type of mango. Now, an advertisement has revealed his darker side, in which the actor was shown to be endorsing something harmful to the public. For someone who endorses only good things — like the Prime Minister’s mango preferences — this ad was unprecedented. A blotch on the illustrious record of virtue indeed.

*

Model at Coachella Makes Festival Relevant Again by Bringing Up Climate Change

There once was a music festival, deep in the expanse of the Los Angeles desert. A recent media stir unearthed the long-dead affair featuring light cultural appropriation and bad music when a model and an actor were spotted kissing. When asked about the scandalous and never-before-seen affair, the model’s response was that the globe is warming. And just like that, climate change made Coachella relevant again — but will Coachella make climate change relevant? Will anything? Only time will tell our non-existent descendants.

*

Queen of England Exempt From Special Treatment as Queen Barbie Upholds Unrealistic Beauty Standards

Life in plastic isn’t so fantastic for the Queen of England. A limited-edition Barbie doll, created for her reign’s “platinum jubilee,” stood out for some… unique characteristics; it is as ageless as the queen’s reign. In a Dorian Grey-esque twist, the doll itself seems to have regained the monarch’s youth and vitality, perhaps through feasting on colonized riches. Creators of the doll have remained true to real-life details in every aspect except when it comes to her face itself. Alas, this is a true testament to how the devil works hard but beauty standards work harder — even if you’re the literal Queen.