In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Business Mag Pleased To Announce Billionaires Acquiring More Billions by the Year
Thanks to generous government subsidies and social welfare programs, India now has a new feather in its golden cap — a billionaire in the list of top 10 billionaires in the world. This was the result of brave policy reforms that improved the social welfare of wealthy people and instituted subsidy policies to help them evade their responsibilities as citizens. The Indian government has thus successfully alleviated poverty among aatmanirbhar business persons in the country; pressing national issues like hunger, homelessness, and education are now close to being solved. Meanwhile, a global business magazine breathlessly announced the marvellous feat — one particular businessman is now the proud owner of $100 billion in net worth. The new achievement satiates tycoons’ hunger for power, gives them a home for their enormous stashes of wealth, and educates the world on how this is all necessary and good for everybody’s welfare. All for one, one for no one.
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Media House leaks Shocking Celeb Wedding Guest List, Parents Invited to Happy Couples’ Special Day
As wedding bells ring in the horizon, the media is once again scrambling to learn as much as possible about the top secret mission. One shocking detail unearthed from the proceedings is that of the guest list; families of the bride and bridegroom are, in fact, expected to attend. What’s more: deep investigative reports courageously revealed the groom’s list of ex-lovers for the public good. As the countdown to the big day continues, more revelations — such as the food menu and the timed, public Instagram captions of the couple — are expected to be exposed.
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Fantasy Series Long Past Its Prime Releases Another Movie
A fantasy series that was old 19 years ago — and has been mired in controversy ever since — has released yet another spin-off film. Experts predict it’s unlikely to add anything to the canon that wasn’t already there. After the notoriously transphobic author effectively crashed and burnt her entire legacy, the film attempts to salvage what little profit it can from the desolate remains. Still, viewers are hopeful that at least now one of the promised secrets of the main character is revealed to be that he is gay — not just on the author’s Twitter, but in some meaningful way for once.
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News Channel Courageously Stands up to Snacks Jihad
A news anchor went on an unwitting diplomatic mission when he flagged a potential “conspiracy” in a packet of snacks for export. Claiming that the ingredients were written in Urdu, the brave journalist who was so afraid of the malevolent snack nevertheless screwed his courage to the sticking place to alert oblivious members of the public about his findings. It wasn’t long until it was pointed out that the text was in Arabic, to be exported to West Asia — but that doesn’t negate the fact that the man put his life and job on the line to stop the vicious spread of snacks jihad.
