In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Centrist Journalist Achieves Career High, Sells Fascist Merch
A man famously known for his incisive commentary on the latest very good and respectable thing that the government has done unveiled his latest ‘masterstroke,’ as they say. The reputed newsman launched a line of merchandise featuring Indian ruling party leaders in striking poses. In case you needed one more surface on which to plaster the leader’s face — besides newspapers, billboards, vaccine certificates, TV news, petrol bunks, and just about every facet of daily existence — a range of coffee mugs has now got you covered. But the dogged journalist, passionate about fairness and unbiased journalism as he is, is not done yet. Sources say that his deep investigations have uncovered some of the nation’s most urgent needs, and he is here to deliver. Next up in the launch: a pillowcase with the leader’s luscious locks for citizens to lovingly stroke as they go to sleep.
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Man Who Lives In Actual Palace Urges Other Rich Men To Focus On Saving Earth
In a blistering critique of men who use their riches ornamentally, a prince called out people who unnecessarily waste their wealth without saving Earth. In an interview, taking place in a sprawling palace that requires a small country’s resources for its maintenance, he spoke of his complete disinterest in traveling to space himself, owing to the high carbon cost of the journey. The next heir to an expensive, decorative museum throne, now primarily a tourist attraction, disapproved of spending resources on wasteful endeavors like space tourism.
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Band Member Rekindles Feud With Dead Bandmate, Ouija Boards Prepare Themselves
Fresh speculations about the reasons behind a famous band’s well-established, decades-old breakup have turned the world of spirits abuzz with gossip. A band member who famously fell out with his bandmate has once again blamed his long-gone bandmate. In his turn, the bandmate, who recently caught up with “stan” culture, rallied his spirits army to tell the world his side in the battle that no longer concerned anybody. “This is the biggest news to come out in a century,” one spirit emphatically communicated in a seance at a middle school sleepover, whose members had no idea what it meant.
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‘Selective Approach to Human Rights Through Political Lens Is Harmful,’ Says Man With Absent Lens to Human Rights
The leader, whose neutral approach to human rights is to let human rights violations happen, scolded citizens with vested interests in the latest human rights disaster. Speaking at the founding day of the national human rights body, he gave an inspiring speech about how one must not be selective in their approach towards human rights. He advocated his tried and tested method, which was not to select any human rights issue to address. The leader also cautioned against using “political spectacles” to view human rights. Instead, he recommended his own spectacles, specially designed to see flowers and rainbows instead of human rights violations.
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Complex Movie Characters Industry Coronates New CEO
An ardent fan has uncovered the biggest conspiracy staring us all in the face all along. One French actor, whose boyish charm and heartbreaking whimsy was deemed groundbreaking and revolutionary by all, has seemingly conquered the complex movie characters industry in one fell swoop. The two other actors who historically comprised the industry leaders are disgruntled. Known for playing kings, pirates, children’s book characters, addicts, or simply a charming person on a good day, the new actor supposedly blew the socks off of producers, who say they have never seen this range before. “We believe he can take the Industry to newer and unseen heights,” one executive said. According to reports, the actor is set to play thin air next.
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