In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

CEO Doesn’t Believe in Asking For Pay Raises, Employees Everywhere Stunned

A giant soft drink conglomerate’s CEO has recently taken the world by storm with her unexpected comments about work practices. Speaking as one of the world’s most influential women, the former corporate executive stated that she doesn’t believe in asking for a raise. “I find it cringeworthy. I cannot imagine working for somebody and saying my pay is not enough,” she said, having worked for somebody who pays enough. Meanwhile, employees and workers receive the news in disbelief. “Nobody in history has ever imagined that a person who doesn’t want to pay me would think in this manner,” said one unnamed worker.

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Zodiac Killer’s Identity Allegedly Discovered, True Crime Genre Retires

In a bittersweet moment, the revelation of the identity of one of the world’s most notorious serial killers has prompted the true crime genre to go peacefully into retirement. The Zodiac Killer, known to have been the culprit behind gruesome and meaningless murders of innocent people, has been the source of much enjoyment for many. Fans of The Zodiac woefully hung up their tinfoil hats and Zodiac merchandise, while studio producers shut shop on several grisly documentaries in the making. “Nothing will ever be as interesting as the Zodiac,” one executive said. “Ted Bundy had charisma, but nobody captured our imagination quite like Z-man,” he recalled affectionately. After decades of being the world’s most notorious enigma, the Zodiac Killer finally turned out to be a white man named Gary.

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Earth Overwrought By Shockwaves as Findings Reveal That Rich People Store Lots of Money

A recent discovery involving rich people’s wealth stashes has numbed the public with shock. A set of leaked dossiers found that they keep a lot of money hidden away in places nobody can dream of accessing. “This is shocking and unprecedented,” a citizen said. The discovery prompted a flurry of upset phone calls among the rich such that lines all over the world were jammed. It was later discovered that they bought all the phone lines to prevent people from talking about the issue. “It is manifestly untrue,” said one person from the list, speaking from an undisclosed location abroad.

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Medical Advisory Warns Against Revenge Travel, Revenge Dress Community Now Worried

The national medical advisory has warned a section of the revenge community that they are to restrict their movement, prompting outrage. The revenge travel group, subject of the medical body’s ire, said in a statement that they feel surveilled and attacked. “The government is violating our freedom of movement,” they said. Meanwhile, members of the revenge dress group are worried about the target on their backs. “These are unprecedented times, revenge travelers are being inconsiderate. We all have exes to shame,” they said.

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Mission Possible? Cold War Era Space Race Revived As Men’s Egos Clash Once Again

Having run out of first things to put in space, two countries formerly involved in a cold war that nearly wiped out humanity four times over are once again at it. In a space race to shoot the first film in space, a crew from one country has reportedly beat the other country in the noble endeavor to bring pride and prosperity to nobody. The feat, costing millions, will be followed by the race to be the first man to juggle in zero gravity, reports suggest.

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Lord of the Rings Monster Fails to Live Up To Its Real-Life Inspiration, Harvey Weinstein

A recent interview revealed that disgraced movie mogul Harvey Weinstein was the inspiration behind an orc, a particularly loathsome creature. Speaking to the press, however, the orc opened up about the difficulty in staying true to his muse. “I really struggled a lot. We went through rigorous training to really capture how revolting I was supposed to be. It nearly broke me,” the orc said in a candid interview. Critics have meanwhile panned the performance, calling the orc’s — a truly despicable being by his own merit — effort not compelling enough.

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Man In Charge Of Making Transport Better Suggests Cacophony As Traffic Jam Soundtrack

In a bid to make the Indian metro city traffic experience a hundred times worse, the Minister for Transport announced plans to replace the sounds of horns with that of musical instruments. Proud owners of cars with a Nokia ringtone reverse gear feature are grim with trepidation at the news. “We don’t want to be outstaged as the most annoying song of the road,” one stated. Meanwhile, the best music players have been enlisted for the task of recording melodies that will all play discordantly in the thick of traffic anyway. Ambulances will be given particularly cheerful tunes to attend to road rage accidents.

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