In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Couple Tries Ayurvedic Cleanse for Fertility, Achieves Final Form Within White Celeb Culture
Peddling vaguely unscientific health fixes? Check. Consulting a mystical guru named Martha? Check. Telling it to millions? Check. Relying on eastern mysticism to legitimate their claims? Also check. A newly married couple recently performed an Ayurvedic cleansing ritual that prescribed complete abstinence — “our new thing that we’re going to be trying is a Panchakarma cleanse… It’s like 3,000 years old,” one of them said on television. The cleanse will supposedly act as a deep-tissue detox. The pair felt it necessary to cleanse their aura at any cost — even if that cost is everyone else’s aura for having to hear about it. Why keep such a ritual to oneself when one can share the good vibes with others? In case it wasn’t clear, this couple is white and hails from Los Angeles, USA — a city known for its vibrant culture of turmeric lattes, goat yoga, and confused orientalism. Ayurvedic medicine is indebted to the couple’s awareness-raising activity, as Panchakarma cleanses are expected to rise, addressing those who wish to recover from the news. The couple, in turn, is indebted to Ayurveda for being the perfect Eastern mysticism to complete their aesthetic.
*
Breaking News: Man Turns 50
Amid the usual monotony of communalism, skyrocketing fuel prices, a crashing economy, and the general humdrum of a failing country, a man’s birthday marked a pleasant change in the overall atmosphere. The media went berserk reporting who attended the party, what they wore, and how many people wished the happy individual — indeed, it is momentous that, in this state of affairs, anyone turned a year older at all. The moment provided levity and joy for all, and a welcome break from having to focus on other boring things like fascism and total welfare collapse.
*
Actor Who Compared Self With Meryl Streep Out of Everyone’s League and Movie Plans
An actor known for declaring herself to be Meryl Streep and Gal Gadot simultaneously proved to be too good for us indeed. So phenomenal are her talents and charisma that she remained out of reach of everyone, including the weekend box office and theatres across the country. Her latest film leaving theatres early due to no audience showing up only served as a reminder of how her skills are far beyond ordinary folks’ understanding. To complement her skills, the actor also built her ladder into the skies using bigotry and hatred to firmly secure herself above humanity’s league itself — her talent reaching the stars, literally.
