In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Director Praises “Upper Class” Actor for Overcoming Challenges of High Society To Act in Biopic

Kissing money goodbye for the role

We would be remiss as a society if the upper echelons did not descend from the heavens once in a while; even if they are actors and their job is to act — according to a film director famous for directing epic films that romanticize class inequality. His most recent is a biopic about a notorious madame in one of Mumbai’s biggest brothels. Having taken the life of a real person and turned it into entertainment, the person he thanked was the actor who played the protagonist for deigning to play someone who was not from her own “class.” He appreciated her struggle to make this arduous journey fromthe 1%down here to do her job, noting the challenges of coming from high society and being born with privilege. In terms of numbers alone, this was a descent in at least 70 percentage points on the inequality index. The tough feat of mountaineering down this treacherous slope on the graph did not go unappreciated. Indeed, the actor deserved the highest gratitude and praise — over and above the woman without whom this story would not exist.

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Celebrity Brings Twitter Jail Time Experience Into Hosting Reality Show Called ‘Lock Upp’

Actor urges you to stop the applause

A celebrity, who constantly reminds everyone that she exists and has opinions, will host a reality show about locking people up and throwing challenges at them. Reportedly she was chosen for her experience of being locked out of social media platforms for hate speech. It can even be argued that she spent time in the lock-up of society’s silly norms of human dignity and rights for all. Having experienced hardship under such prisoner-like conditions of having to abide by basic rules and decency, the actor is full of angst and will bring it all to hosting this bizarre reality show. As someone famous for making everything about herself and her greatness, it remains to be seen whether the actor — who made one sensible point on a chat show and milked it for the rest of her life — will be able to make this show, too, about herself, lest she perishes. Contestants will reportedly face challenges unlike any seen on reality television: they may not only have to listen to this person speak incessantly, but also validate everything she says. The one to prevail with their yaas-queening until the very end will win the contest and an award that reportedly consists of a lifelong mute feature for this woman. Hordes of participants are waiting to be selected just for this alone.

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White Rapper Kneels Against Racism at Public Performance, Causes Stir in Alternate Universe

Rapper

A white rapper took a knee, and nothing happened. At least, not in this universe, where white people are alright. Tremors were felt, however, from an alternate universe where the white people are not alright. In that universe, they face actual consequences for the things they do, especially for things that are considered unpatriotic. So when the rapper whose career was built on a black art form knelt in support of black people’s right to live, it may not have done much here — but rest assured that in an alternate universe he was canceled and was not allowed to enjoy good faith or his career the same way again. The gesture was thus appreciated overall, for the strong impact it had in an unknown parallel dimension.

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Popstar Under Conservatorship for Years Invited to Talk About It by Government That Made the Law

Woman low-key surprised at the audacity

A country’s government recently achieved new heights of benevolence when it invited a formerly imprisoned pop star to talk about her experience being imprisoned under the government’s own law. The government was rather pleased to extend the gracious invitation to its former captive, with the intention to join forces with her following her freedom. The star, who was not allowed access to her own lawyers and legally prevented from speaking about her position, will now have access toCongress — a place where Congress thinks that someone with nearly 40 million Instagram followers would have the space to be heard. Notwithstanding the fact that the members ofCongress can change things, they felt it prudent to instead let the star spend her newfound freedom going to more government buildings and speaking about her trauma. The government intends to listen and learn, and an insider reportedly called the star’s situation “valid.”

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Happiest Place on Earth Now Open on Real Estate Market

Lush and completely natural landscapes await happiness-seekers

You can now settle down in the happiest place on Earth, for a happy amount of money that might just cost you all your happiness. Luckily, this lost happiness will be made up by the fact that the happiest place on Earth will keep you in its clutches forever. You can awaken to the sound of cloyingly sweet jingles; roam the happy cobble-stoned streets happily; take happy selfies with life-size character mascots; have a happy meal at the park; before you happily remember the job you need to go to in order to sustain all the happiness. Happy times lie ahead for all who love being happy, brought to you by the happiest production company.