In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of the news you wish wasn’t news.
Girlboss Launches Babycare Products For Boss Babies Who Love Self Care
Babies have historically suffered from bath products that didn’t also come with fuzzy towels and bubbles. Not anymore: the internet’s favorite girlboss is here to give babies the self-care they deserve. The make-up mogul has expanded her brand’s demographic, tapping into the youngest market yet. From one boss babe to another, she said, in the product launch for her brand new babycare line, featuring a guest appearance by unofficial brand ambassador Baby Shark. The line claims to have collaborated with scientists to create gentle and clean products for brand-conscious babies to live their best lives.
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Outer Space Continues 13 Billion Year Silence On the Issue Of Elon Musk Separation
The internet’s favorite tech daddy and unofficial Reddit spokesperson Elon Musk has semi-separated from long-time partner Grimes. The latter joked about colonizing one of Jupiter’s moons separately from Musk, even as Musk is currently knee-deep in building a very real, very much happening space mission to Europa. The future of their custody battle over space is unclear. When we tried to reach it, space was unavailable for comment.
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Last, Best Hope of Earth Calls Earth’s Biggest Problem ‘Big Challenge,’ Calls on Others For Ideas
The Last, Best Hope of Earth (LBHE) has acknowledged that climate change, the Earth’s most existentially dire issue, was indeed an issue. In an inspiring speech, the person in charge of it all called on others to do something to get us out of this mess. The LBHE called on society to work together, noting that climate change would otherwise impact farmers and agriculture. “Climate change can bring new challenges such as newer pests…” he said, nearly drowned out by the sound of cheers and applause from the thousands of farmers gathered near his residence, awaiting the blessings of the Most Loved and Most Powerful Leader (MLMPL).
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Dramatic End to Man’s Entire Political Career Summed Up in Cricket Metaphors Yet Again
Political unrest is on the boil again, and avid hobbyists eagerly watch loyalties go for sixes. The spectacle unfolding in Punjab is arguably worrying, but not when there are cricket metaphors to be had. A critical political player has just dramatically tendered his resignation ahead of a charged election that could change many lives. He has “run out” his stint in the game if you will. Another political rival took his wicket, as a third stood utterly unawares. A wise strategy, analysts say, would have been to LBW (look before weeping).
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India Fought Pandemic in Best Possible Manner, Says Man Not Involved In Fight
The man famously responsible for rallying crowds together to provide pep talks declared that India’s fight against the pandemic went marvelously well. While other countries broke a sweat and struggled, we kept a cool mind and did nothing whatsoever, the top leadership said. “If any neutral agency does an analysis, it will come to the conclusion that the country has done very well in fighting the pandemic and substantially reducing the death rate,” he said. To solve this troubling problem, he set a gold standard in neutralizing those who analyzed what really happened in the pandemic.
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All Eyes On Britney Spears Post Situation She Was Put in Due To Having All Eyes On Her
Britney Spears is finally (almost) free. #FreeBritney campaigners rejoice, the paparazzi is back on her trail, and documentary crews stand at the ready. Things are safely back to the good old days, it would seem, when Spears’ every move was carefully documented and broadcast, down to a twitch of an eyebrow, leading to her eventual legal imprisonment. “We just want to consume Britney as a free woman,” said one photographer, who hid behind bushes for weeks to capture the moment Spears emerged from the courtroom, a free woman. “Did I say consume? I meant capture,” he later clarified.
