In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Government Unwittingly Makes Privileged Comedian the Face of India’s Problems

The latest “progressive” hero at the center of much national debate is yet another privileged stand-up comedian. The man, whose monologue in another country, set a record for being the most number of words used to say something utterly unremarkable. The comedian’s claim of there being “two Indias” caused much ire among reactionaries; they swear by India not being there at all, instead, it’s just an orange smear. The man himself, however, reportedly delivered the performance with so much edge that it cut right into the heart of all that was plaguing the country, setting us free of our problems. Until of course, he came back from America, whereupon he found six or seven Indias at each other’s throats in every square meter. It is unclear at this point what India means anymore — only that it is a nice rhetorical device to talk about nothing with those who don’t live here.

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Wizarding Franchise Performs Real Life Magic By Vanishing Away Inconvenient Transphobic Author Of It All

A beloved fantasy franchise about witches, wizards, and spells recently stunned the world by performing some real-life magic. When the movie series announced a 20th-anniversary reunion of all cast and crew, it accomplished a particularly sophisticated bit of spell-work by vanishing one person out of the narrative entirely. The public was caught entirely unawares, leaving the author and her transphobic views kicked to the curb (note: the curb is still occupied by the comfortable piles of money she will nonetheless continue to make from the franchise).

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Fashion Designer Partners With Government Ideologue for Makeover of Phrase ‘Laal Salaam’

A Union minister and designer recently had a pleasant chat to launch the former’s upcoming book about state armed forces. The duo engaged in some conversational artistry; they gently rendered the color red in “Laal Salaam,” the name of the book, into a pleasing shade of saffron. The minister admired the fashion designer’s genius in joining her to accomplish this, and has reportedly roped her in for future counterrevolutionary collaborations.

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Millionaire Couple’s ‘Squid Game’-Themed Party Deemed Enjoyable Success By Fellow Millionaire Attendees

To the keen film and television aficionado, the message of the runaway Netflix hit Squid Game was that being rich meant doing whatever you wanted with no consequences. One millionaire couple understood this assignment quite well; they proceeded to revamp their mansion into the macabre child-like set for all to romp around and play in. Guests reported enjoying cosplaying “poor and desperate people” for a night, as they took selfies next to stripped-down metal cots and other adorable little bric-a-brac.