In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Govt Mouthpiece Displays Unusual Behavior by Not Interrupting Panelist, Feared Unwell
Call Michael Jackson back from the dead, because someone who is not Annie, but whose name starts with A, is NOT okay. Sources close to the top leadership in government have whispered concerns from within the administration as to the man’s well-being. A news anchor best known for fearless government PR and hard–hitting journalism that silences opposition on his panels recently left a man uninterrupted on one such panel. What’s more, the man who was miraculously allowed to finish saying his piece, called the anchor out on his editorial bias and tone — questioning his ethics as a journalist. The anchor’s silence throughout the tirade has sparked worries about his health. However, a backup loud speaker more than made up for the setback by shouting at a man who didn’t even speak, restoring the glory of Indian news back to the channels and allowing the government to breathe a sigh of relief.
*
Next Climate Report Warning of Dire Consequences Set to Release After Mass Extinction of Humans
Another month, another climate report whooshes past without so much as a warning or a grand exit. It speaks of dire consequences. Biblical levels of apocalypse await human beings but luckily for nobody, it appears that humans are well on their way towards extinction even without climate change. The report warns of a dire future, to which world leaders responded with “what future?” and a shrug. Currently, they are busy and quite engaged in fighting pointless wars and furthering staggering inequality. The next report is expected to release long after we are gone, where animals mercifully spared by our demise will munch on its pages peacefully.
*
Influencers Show Off Remarkable Agility in Morals at Sketchy Yoga Retreat
A yoga retreat hosted by a spiritual leader gave influencers a unique opportunity to show off their moral flexibility. Conducted on the occasion of Mahashivratri, Instagrammers flocked to the festival of vibes and sunk low into enviable aasanas. Just when you think they couldn’t get much lower, they were joined at the retreat by a certain Sanghana who brought even more color to the event: saffron.
*
Govt Sadly Unable To Do Much for Stranded Students Stuck in War Without a Crystal Ball
The Indian government’s brave and decisive rescue efforts towards students stuck in a warzone have sadly fallen short of the actual magnitude required. But according to the government, the government itself is not to blame. The situation has been brought on by the students’ refusal to predict the future and come back before the war happened, intelligence suggests. The administration’s position is that without a crystal ball or two to help foresee what was about to happen, the students brought their fates upon themselves. In the future, however, the government plans to distribute free charms that can help citizens preempt disasters and safely avert them without requiring any government assistance.
*
Bollywood Director Achieves Scientific Breakthrough by Cloning Same Three People for Same Movie
Turn back the clocks: where have we seen this before? If our eyes don’t deceive us, it appears like a Bollywood director has made grand strides in science. It is currently unclear whether the scientific advance is in cloning or in time travel, but the director has been up to something. In a recent poster launch, three individuals can be seen in an extremely familiar pose. What’s more, their faces, too, are virtually indistinguishable — not only from each other’s, but also from those of two other film posters. Some speculate that the director has taken all of us back in time without us being aware of it, or that he has managed to clone the same actors from a decade ago in record time for his newest release. Reports say he is currently in the process of signing contracts with unborn star kids, paving the way for generations of the same exact movie. Either way, praise be upon him for skilfully merging the worlds of art and science, and advancing all of us as a human race.
