In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Human Allies Stand Up for Mermaid Community Alleging Inaccurate Representation
Based on archeological evidence unearthed in the form of a popular animated movie from the 90s, historians are currently outraged at a bit of historical revisionism. Where their evidence suggested that a half-woman-half-fish can only have white skin and red hair, a new movie made the audacious claim that this creature can have red hair and dark skin. Many professed shock and disappointment at the lengths that Big Cartoon could go to, stating that the mermaid’s depiction as a black character truly speaks to the fact that we live in a post-truth age. “The existence of merpeople is undisputed. But to suggest that merpeople can also be of non-white races? That’s pure woke propaganda,” said one angry fan. Others say that they have no issue with black mermaids as such, if specifically black mermaids really did exist. But since they don’t — either in real life or in history, unlike white merpeople — it is simply unnecessary to take such creative liberties, they felt. Especially so, when young, impressionable minds are likely to see this happen. “What will the children think? That they’re supposed to normalize non-white characters on screen?“ said one concerned parent and spokesperson for merpersons.
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Superhero Franchise Revives Itself With Fresh Infusion of Propaganda
A Hollywood studio known for churning out characters that glorify the supremacy of one country over the rest of the world has expanded. After critics deemed its current form of ideological brainwashing too staid, the studio introduced a new superhero from the canon of superheroes who make nations proud, again. This time, it’s in the form of a Mossad agent who wears her country on her sleeve. The move was said to account for criticism about the lack of diversity and representation in the world of propaganda — a critique that producers took seriously by celebrating the military prowess of another occupying country. And a woman, no less: making her a truly global #Girlboss.
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Conscientious Citizen Criticizes State for Failing to Provide Working Pen
A man recently garnered praise for being sharply critical of his government for not providing an equally sharp instrument to write with. As a beneficiary of the state, he demanded to know why public service was in such an abysmal condition that he could not even rely upon the authorities to arrange for a proper pen at a specific event. Calling it a matter of national shame, the brave citizen was lauded for his dissenting voice against the wilful negligence of the country in using tax money — not his, but everyone else’s — efficiently enough. Instead of focusing on the essentials — such as a functioning pen — the government instead chose to spend its resources on ostentatious displays of ceremony and excess for a few people, especially over the last few days.
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White Man Suffers Severe Allergic Reaction to Seeing Space Unoccupied by Him, Collapses on the Spot
Science has previously confirmed that white men are unable to withstand the sight of any space that remains unoccupied by them. It has since been treated as a public health concern, with governments arranging their infrastructure to suit this vulnerable population’s needs. But one place fell woefully short of the minimum standard of safety required for white men — the stage at an awards show. It happened when a black woman didn’t get the memo — a white man in the area promptly suffered an attack that left him collapsed on the spot, where the woman was supposed to make her acceptance speech. Paramedics were late to arrive at the scene. Luckily, the man was revived with the help of an antidote known to reverse the effects of unoccupied space: diverted attention. With audiences sufficiently distracted by the man’s plight to focus on him instead of the black woman’s speech, the patient recovered from the attack in time to carry on with the show. A crisis thus being averted, the night went on as usual — with no further space left bereft of white men.
