In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Humble Man Honors Predecessors With Museum, Includes Himself Too

In a grand unveiling of democratic goodwill, a man and national leader inaugurated a museum dedicated to his predecessors — and not to be left behind, himself too. Having bought the first ticket to the Pradhanmantri Sangrahalaya, he toured the premises in his characteristic humble style, pausing to admire all the faces, including his own — initiating a surgical strike on humility. Although it is true that museums are typically used to house the past, under the current leader’s leadership the museum tells the story of the present too. As a man committed to truth, it was only in service of honesty that he included his own face in a museum about the office he holds.

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Former Princess Not Spared From Hustle Culture

Royalty: they’re just like us! A former princess who gave up her titles is now gainfully employed for no gain: as an unpaid intern in New York. After a whirlwind romance and fairytale sacrifice for true love, the princess’s plight is a rare glimpse into the “after” part of “happily ever after.” It turns out, after the grand gestures and the undying declarations, there is an unpaid internship lying in store for impassioned lovers and royals. After all, love is forever but the hustle cannot wait.

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Pro-democracy Man Offers To Buy Free Speech Platform

A man who expressed nothing but fondness for journalists is concerned about the state of free speech online and has proposed an ingenious solution: buying it. After flashing his ungodly sums of wealth to a social media company, he has now announced his intention to just buy the place up, and take its reins. This man, who is most definitely not a spoilt child, claims that privately owning a platform where free speech currently happens, will solve all free speech problems — since there won’t be any problems if there isn’t free speech. This problem-solver, however, will not buy hunger problems, poverty problems, or any other problems to do with wealth. That would be a very great problem indeed — for himself.

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Man’s Infidelity Unwittingly Starts Feminist Revolution

The internet is abuzz with outrage as a man decided to mess with the wrong woman. After allegations of infidelity and a breakup, netizens protested the betrayal of their queen en masse. Thoroughly sick and tired of men altogether, it took a celebrity scandal to get the ball rolling on the imminent revolution. The big moment is expected to last one news cycle (approximately four business days), before settling down once more into quiet distraction.