In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Luxury Fashion House’s ‘Sexy’ Mangalsutras Accidentally Give Left And Right Common Thing To Hate

An Indian luxury fashion house has achieved a historic win for unity in the country. In a strategic political win that nobody, including the fashion house, saw coming, the brand brought the left, right, and center factions of the country together in common cause over their utter distaste for a new product. The product in question? Mangalsutras, known by their common name as “chain that kind of symbolizes a husband’s ownership over an actual person” — but make them sexy. The advertorial campaign for these features women wearing the chains, but with overall suggestive energy, sometimes featuring a husband prop. Everyone simply prefers the yoke chain the way it was. Some say it is too much empowerment. Others say nobody asked for this specific type of empowerment. Most are simply tired of it all. Nobody knows what is going on. But the moment has gone down in recorded history as one of the rare events that transcend the two-dimensional political spectrum into a fifth dimension, beyond left, right, center, time, or space. It is nowhere and it is everywhere. The sexy mangalsutra shall rule us all.

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Indian Cricket Team Takes Brave Stand on Remote Issue, Crickets Worldwide Chirp In Solidarity

The Indian cricket team shook the world with its courageous stand — or rather, kneel — on the issue of state violence against minorities in a completely different country. Sounds of aggressive chirping were heard from crickets all over the world. Representatives from the world of crickets maintained that it was important to show up for their brothers in arms when nobody else was. The rest of the world maintained a respectful silence, allowing the mournful cricket song to speak for itself.

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Hollywood Announces Only Cartoon Sequels and Reboots Till Infinity And Beyond

With the upcoming movie about another cartoon character nobody asked to know more about, Hollywood has announced that from now on, it will only be producing reboots, sequels, and spin-offs until the end of time. Real-life actors are reportedly in talks to unionize over the working conditions they will now be subjected to: speaking very animatedly into a mic, pretending to be an assortment of sentient objects. Magazine stands are in a frenzy to account for this dramatic shift in the zeitgeist that asks them to prominently display pictures of the lion from Madagascar posing suggestively. Screenwriters are also scrambling to find a backstory for the teacup from Beauty and the Beast that feels inspiring. As for avid moviegoers themselves, many have secretly banded together in an underground movement to bring back “real cinema”: aggressive pulp fiction, cowboys, and sentient robots that they can relate to very much indeed.

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Police Ramp Up Efforts to Catch Dangerous Drug Peddlers, Randomly Halt Pedestrians To Nose Around

If “Halt, in the name of Plod!” is a familiar line to you, it is to the Hyderabad police too. The arm of the state given the most impunity for violence and arbitrariness, arguably holding much power and resources, has taken inspiration from an intimidating character most feared by all. Not one to let harmless pedestrians minding their own business to escape the “long arm of the law,” the police have taken to checking their private messages to look for damning evidence of an international drugs conspiracy. “We have received a very important tip-off that the drug mafia is known to walk around with careless references to drugs there for anybody to see,” an inspector said. An inside source hinted that the anonymous tipper was seen to be wearing a scarf, and an enormous tinkling blue hat.