In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Man Helpfully Explains to Prime Ministers What Prime Ministers Do

A man whose credentials in country leadership are unknown, nevertheless, took an opportunity to address not one, but two, prime ministers, to help them both understand their job. The leaders appeared together, seemingly to chitchat about “girl stuff” until the sharp rebuke by the heroic audience member, who reminded them of their duty toward “politics and stuff.” Experts are unsure at this time where the man found such an abundant sense of audacity, but search parties have been dispatched to trace the source so others may benefit from the store, too. Meanwhile, the prime ministers themselves found that as women in leadership, their positions were once again saved by a man who arrived just in time to explain their own jobs to them. The man, however, is reportedly not pleased with the way the two leaders, contrary to his expectations, did not fall at his feet in gratitude — another sure sign of ineptitude. Still, the world at large remains grateful for his candor — women especially so, for the way he reinstated their faith in the world being consistent, at least, if not very enjoyable to live in, amid constant interruptions and condescension.

*

Woman Who Told Us So Watches In-Laws Reel Under Racism Scandal

A member of a household that’s, at this point, famous for being a museum, was fired for being racist. The revelation that the households could ever express such views came as a bombshell to nobody except the household itself, which remained the last to realize what it really is. The incident comes shortly after a prominent member of the family said, “We are very much not a racist family,” following his brother’s and sister-in-law’s accusations that they, indeed, are. The sentence was revisited with fresh scrutiny following the present incident, at which point the word “not” maintained a stoic silence on the matter. Meanwhile, the woman whose whole life was upended by racist scrutiny from her in-laws is, reportedly, watching the family’s legacy come undone from afar, as she told everyone it would.

*

Celebrity Couple’s Alleged Engagement Arrives Just in Time For New Year’s Content Cycle

A celebrity couple that dominates the news every now and then for simply existing has done something earth-shattering; they’re, reportedly, engaged. Or, at least, that’s what the rumor mills say. Upstaging the planet’s completion of another year around the sun, the couple wrought havoc on artificial satellites and deep-sea cables due to at the onslaught of stans reacting to the speculation. Some national security experts are concerned that the have-they-haven’t-they drama could disrupt critical communication lines that are essential for countries to run. But it’s a good day for social media sites, as the announcement just ensured that all of them — even the ones struggling with housekeeping issues at the moment — are sorted for the rest of the new year in terms of engagement (pun intended), as the news fulfils their mission to suck viewers’ attention spans dry until there’s nothing left.

*

Actor’s Queer Icon Status Discovered Decades Too Late

After an actor’s old interview snippet resurfaced online, atheists from the younger generation spontaneously spiralled into a crisis of faith. Many questioned their lack of faith upon seeing proof of a queer goddess, and are in the repenting stage of their spiritual journey. Some say it’s too late: we missed the opportunity to deify her when we should have. But the more rational-minded among the youth have sniffed out a rational lead to chase: how did this actor express such a progressive view on queerness so many decades ago? They’re now beginning to look for a time machine to investigate the actor’s implicit travel ahead of her own time.