In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Matchmaker Oversees Fairytale Union Between Patriarchy and Casteism Once Again
A matchmaker’s efforts have finally proven useful, as the stars have aligned on a couple’s fate. Two years since she graced our screens finding the perfect match for everyone, a woman, who insists on being known for being from Mumbai, finally made a successful pairing. The marriage of patriarchy and casteism will once again be celebrated — this season with much grandeur and pomp — as the two star-crossed lovers finally unite in holy matrimony. The matchmaker’s precision in matching one’s biodata with the other’s proved fruitful when it was found that both patriarchy and casteism come from similar family backgrounds with a rich cultural heritage. Both found a meaningful bond in one another in discovering their shared histories, and after a few episodes of light banter that reduced each other’s value to a set of rigid and linear attributes, the two admitted their crackling chemistry. On being prepared to take the leap, the couple successfully tied the knot in a union that remains the matchmaker’s most successful endeavor yet.
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Self-Professed Cannibal Subject of Docu Series Investigating Why He’s Wrong
A new documentary will investigate exactly what was wrong when a man was outed as saying he is a cannibal. A popular actor, who is alleged to have abused women in the name of being very into BDSM, was called out for his behavior online over a year ago. Now, a crew of people document their report looking into why exactly we must be horrified by the things he said about wanting to consume people. But it will do so in a manner that satiates the public’s appetite for consuming people’s stories for fun. The series promises to be nuanced and sensitive in its exploration of abuses of power, as is evident from its scary sound effects, jarring visuals, and the clickbait adjectives in its promos.
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Intense Man Struggles to Explain Sexual Chemistry With Another Woman Like a Regular Person
A man who got the Internet talking about his chemistry with another woman has yet to find the words to talk about it himself. The actor seemed to have meant that he shares a close, emotional relationship with his fellow-actor. Rather than expressing it in those terms like other mortals, however, he went on to compare the two of them to flatworms. Much like their relationship transcends all description, his description transcended all meaning. The greatest writers, linguists, or philosophers of our times have yet to compare with the man’s regard for his own rhetorical genius. The flatworm community, meanwhile, remains puzzled by their involvement in the whole affair and have declined to comment — at least, not verbally. But the actor may yet convey their feelings on their behalf, seeing as he shares a cellular connection just like them.
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Righteous Actor Ushers in Independence Day With Film Celebrating Women’s Dependence on Him
After 75 years of independence, women in the country are yet to be free of a male savior’s clutches. After suffering through the actor lecturing citizens about sanitary pads and other social issues, women have once again been imposed with a film that shows him trying to arrange marriages for his sisters. Truly, nobody understands patriotism or women’s empowerment better than this particular man, as he has repeatedly shown over the course of his career. He puts the “I” in independence, as he makes the day about himself and his righteousness (also putting the “right” in righteousness). Women are truly indebted to him for showing the country how dependence is still very much a part of our culture — and this man is the sun that all womanly planets must orbit in eternal bondage and gratitude.
