In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Media Surprised To Learn That Single Mother Doesn’t Adopt Every Child She Is Seen With

Mother and children applaud media for their tact and grace

A woman, known to the media solely as “single mom,” took the country by surprise this week when she didn’t immediately adopt a child who happened to be in her way. The actor stood out as an anomaly for the second time throughout her career: the first was when she chose to have children without a partner at all. This second shockwave has also thrown the scientific community of WhatsApp into disarray, as they try to study how it is possible for women to simply see a child and not immediately be overcome by the maternal urge to make them theirs. Especially so for single mothers who have adopted in the past — how can a woman just stop with two children? Who is this mysterious third child she was seen carrying, who was reportedly NOT legally adopted by her the second she laid eyes on him? Is it possible that this woman’s hormones have stopped working, that she didn’t immediately devote herself to the upbringing of this baby? Science is racing to find out, as the media continues to keep a close watch.

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Tennis World Surprised When Male Player Takes More Than a Mile When Given a Mile

Man waiting for ball to fall into his court once more

A tennis player is in the news for far longer than he needed to be. As a man, his privileges included being a literal health hazard, and still having the benefit of many, many doubts as authorities pondered what to do with him. Women players watched the thrilling saga of his refusal to vaccinate himself, being denied entry into a country, having this decision be reconsidered, having the media debate the ethics of him knowingly breaking quarantine rules while sick, then finally be rejected once again, with great interest. They were hoping to learn how they, too, could get as much leeway as this extraordinary man, who when given a mile took several more miles before he was stopped. This is in contrast to how the media is accustomed to giving women merely an inch and swiftly revoking even that when they simply get angry and have the audacity to express it. Sports is yet to recover from the times when women showed their feelings, such as once when one broke her racquet, and another time when one took a mental health break. The whole world of tennis came crashing down on these two events — so much so that we’re yet to recover and have no energy left to be appropriately upset with the man who could have potentially caused serious illness among others.

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Men More Worried About Misuse of Law Than Misuse of People Ahead of Marital Rape Judgement

The men are not all right

Passionate men’s rights activists are in a soup. A legal precedent looms ahead that threatens to shatter any semblance of rights that they previously enjoyed — one which would make it criminal for them to rape their wives. They are worried, it would seem, that women can now simply claim marital rape after disagreements, thereby sending men to jail wrongfully. “It is extremely concerning that our actions can send us to prison now,” one representative said. Many associations claim that the law is all part of an evil plot by women to ensure that men are kept in check. Gone are the days when they can behave so badly even without raping their wives, that their wives might want to slap such a case against them. Many rallied together to take decisive action by making these concerns trend on social media, where they believe they will be heard by reasonable people — unless of course they are outed on social media, which is when it magically turns into a mob of unreasonable people.

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Wholesome Word Game Is Internet’s Last Stand Before Total Breakdown

Nothing savage to be found here

A cute little word game is under enormous pressure. It holds the burden of being the only thing holding the collective sanity of everyone on the Internet together. A Wild West of jumbled thoughts and confused discourse is momentarily tamed by a game that allows some kind of thought to be put into words for the first time in the Internet’s history. Netizens can now show off the results through little green and yellow squares that, despite not containing words, are a language unto themselves — making everyone just a little friendlier to each other. It remains to be seen for how long this tiny algorithm can withstand the pressure of millions of people’s crumbling peace(s) of mind.

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Scientists Find That Pandemic Was Actually an Elaborate Challenge in Reality Show About Hot People

The world overtaken by hotness? Virus? Both? We will never know

A show in which hot people weren’t allowed to touch is back for a third season, and scientists have had a brainwave. All along, the coronavirus was simply one part of the challenge that contestants had to face in the competition to be the last remaining person to not touch someone else. But somewhere along the way, the challenge spread rapidly, and soon the entire population became contestants. It was all an elaborate way of telling us, the viewers, that we are part of the game too, and that this is actually The Truman Show — except it is never getting over, unfortunately.