In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
#MeToo-ed Man Wallows in Pits of Cancellation While Receiving Award
Cancel culture came down upon one disgraced man hard and fast. His house of victim cards came collapsing earlier this week when it was announced that he would be accepting a lifetime achievement award. This is presumably for his lifetime contribution as an artist, towards the fine art of evading accountability. But due to his tarnished reputation and the unforgiving shackles of cancellation, his rehabilitation stopped short at a lifetime award. Had he not been accused of multiple instances of sexual assault, he would have been able to win much more: such as lifetime complacency awards, or accolades that bestow immunity from being called out for crimes. Alas, arrived cancel culture: that merciless tide of public opinion that destroys men’s careers — if their careers included harming people indiscriminately, that is. Now the actor is left with nothing else to do but drown in his tears of remorse, whilst clutching at the credibility and acclaim he continues to receive.
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Netizens Accuse Adult Man of Ingratitude to ‘Creator’ for Expressing View
A man who spent the early part of his life acting as a boy wizard from a popular series of books is now accused of being ungrateful to his “creator.” This strange accusation of blasphemy didn’t refer to his lack of piousness or religiosity — but to his disagreement with the author of said books. The author, who by now has gained quite a reputation for being transphobic, has a loyal base who fight for her right to continue speaking transphobic rhetoric. The same “free speech” enthusiasts, however, came down harshly upon the adult man who spoke out against her, his “creator” — thereby revealing their regard for the author as the Almighty. It explains why any criticism of her words is met with damnation from the religion that is rumored to call itself Pink-and-Blueism — referring to the only two genders, according to their doctrine. Within it, the author’s word is Supreme, making anyone who disagrees a heretic.
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‘King of Romance’s’ Birthday Causes National Breakup Crisis
Last week, a man’s birthday prompted a flurry of activity of the romantic kind. Social media reels dedicated to his filmography showed many how sorely lacking their own partners were — prompting a spontaneous dumping wave across the country. Indeed, each of the fictional characters the man has played were so much better than real life men that the state fears a nationwide renunciation of an entire gender. The birthday event is now being eyed as a matter of national importance for more than just celebratory reasons: it could unwittingly instigate a mass boycott of men itself. That is until they learn, at the very least, to open up their arms in a mustard field for the women they love rather than climb into the arms of their mothers at every mild inconvenience.
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World’s Richest Man Invents ‘Get Richer Quicker’-Scheme with New Acquisition
Not content with owning enough wealth to significantly end several of the world’s problems, a man has recently devised a scheme to get even richer. A true believer of the adage about being one’s own competition, the man turned an app that has utility for the whole world into his personal laboratory for making more money. Many regard him as a volatile genius and an inspiration, and he has indeed lived up to this reputation by developing an ingenious way to make more cash: saving money by laying off half the company’s staff, and asking users to pay for some services. No other wealthy person in the world is said to have come up with these ideas, which makes him a true maverick of the billionaire class.
