In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Nation Runs Out of Things to Look Forward to, Eagerly Awaits 1983

Team rejoices as they get to keep credit for their performance

This weekend, sandwiched between hate speech and a new year of possibly more of the same, Indians find themselves traveling back in time to bask in some nicer memories back in the good old “achchhe din.” It involves a triumphant sporting victory on the world stage when a historical architectural relic known as stadiums were still places you could go to. The event, too, was novel for the way in which it represented a joyous victory without having a single person’s face stamped all over it. Indians seem to be reminiscing the simpler times when you could congratulate players and not a random old man who had nothing to do with the sport in question. At the tail end of 2021, one movie presents the opportunity for younger generations to glimpse what it was like to have other faces in the public domain during events of national pride — before it all goes away under an avalanche of the same face once again.

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Person in Charge of Child Development Tries Hand at Slapstick Comedy a Little Too Literally

Minister not happy about being the joke

A minister in charge of children’s development commented in jest this weekend that children ought to be slapped more often. When criticized, the official with the job description of “do the opposite of your job, actually” said that she was joking. But not before keen observers saw her agreeing with commenters advocating for this method of child development. The honorable minister’s “jest kidding” approach to her job was not appreciated by many.

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Wizarding World Author So Cruel, Pretend Broomstick Flying League Contemplates Legacy

Players pretending they can fly having a moment of reckoning

An author has once again made the news for her bigoted comments about trans people. Her reputation is now so soured that a sporting league based on her books about witches and wizards, in which people in real life pretend to fly on broomsticks is considering changing its name. The Quidditch League, whose existence is serious, wonders how its weighty legacy will hold up if it continues to go by its own name. The world-class players, highly skilled at running on their own feet with a broom between their legs, worry how they will look if they are called something else, and how they will explain their sport. The source of their woes being someone overly concerned with what’s between people’s legs, doesn’t help matters. Reports suggest that the embarrassed players may incorporate a cloak into the sport, while pretending it confers invisibility.

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Text Message NFT Auction Gives Serial WhatsApp Forwarders Hope

The beginning of the end

A new dawn arises in the world of digital communication, as the first ever text message sells for over USD 120,000. The sale triggered a Hunger Games of NFTs, with many districts nominating their tributes. District Good Morning Message, District IT Cell Tweets, District DM Sliders, and District “NASA/WHO/UNESCO Says” are all set to face off in a tough competition that will decide which of their representatives will be the first to receive the honor next. For many who cared to make it interesting, all bets were on one particular champion from the last district: a certain historic and enduring message containing a picture of a certain country as allegedly seen from space during Diwali.

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Paris Suffers From Second Season of Influencer Outbreak

Why again?

A TV show that singlehandedly neutralized the cultural snobbery of Paris by attaching its name to it is back for a second season. Nobody is sure whether Paris will recover this time, as a dainty protagonist skips around turning the city’s iconic landmarks into a backdrop for her Instagram marketing ideas. Without a hint of irony, an American woman with actual main character syndrome traipses around France once again, with brand new makeovers that encapsulate Parisian high fashion, like a yellow beret instead of a red one.