In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

‘Person of the Year’ Represents Small Step for Man, Giant Leap for Manchild

Man takes space exploration very seriously

Everyone’s favorite tech overlord is 2021’s ‘Person of the Year’ for “creating solutions to an existential crisis, for embodying the possibilities and the perils of the age of tech titans, for driving society’s most daring and disruptive transformations,” the magazine noted. The esteemed disrupter of transformations created daring solutions to existential crises indeed, by sending a car into space, followed by a crew of people who had no reason to be there other than for the sake of it. The tech titan also became the world’s wealthiest person not only in the present, but in all of history — and continues to shake up the status quo by accepting payment in Dogecoin. He is most loved by tech bros for taking ideas that sound like they’re from a four-year-old, and making them a reality that the world now seriously contends with. Neil Armstrong, may he rest in peace, is shaking.

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CEO Predicts Meetings in Metaverse, Where Pretend People Will Amass Real Wealth

Suits, currently undistinguishable from one another, eagerly await Metaverse avatars

The metaverse joins NFTs in the hall of “how did we as a society agree to take this seriously” fame. And it is all thanks to tech bros that we may now look forward to “meetings in the metaverse” as one CEO speculated. But many questions abound. What, for one, is the appropriate dress code for the metaverse? The suits have gone into a mild panic, wondering if meta-Armani outfits and meta-Patek Philippe watches will feel quite the same in virtual reality. Questions of etiquette aside, the men look forward to all the creative opportunities the metaverse offers to make decisions that can either come up with more such ideas, or accumulate more wealth at the top, or both. Rumors suggest that the next invention will be virtual instantaneous food delivery, where food will arrive in the metaverse and feed the meta people in seconds.

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Cis Woman Plays Trans Character, Generously Leaves Cis Characters for Trans Actors

Cis-woman at press release for movie with cis-woman role

A cis woman whose recent acting venture involved playing the role of a trans woman in a film stated that she hopes trans people can one day play a cis role. “Why should we restrain them and make them do only trans parts?” She asked, after graciously accepting one of the only “trans parts” in Bollywood. Her valiant sacrifice in leaving a vacuum behind in mainstream roles for trans actors to fill was widely admired by fellow cis actors, who would never allow this to pass but vigorously showed their allyship anyway.

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Man Who Played Himself in ‘Gone Girl’ Blames Ex-Wife for Alcoholism

Man tries to explain how what he said wasn’t what he meant

An actor recently got candid about his divorce from his ex-wife. Saying he felt “trapped” in the marriage, he implied that he would have continued to drink if he’d remained married to her. Such dodging of personal responsibility fondly reminded many of his character in Gone Girl, which ultimately drove his onscreen wife to great and murderous lengths. The actor clarified in another interview that what he said was not what he meant. Nobody is quite sure any longer whether he is him or his onscreen character, or both, or none.

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Pop-star Achieves Ms. Worldwide Title as She Wears Yet Another Race as Costume

Woman slipping into “Asian” avatar poses coyly

You’ve heard of Mr. Worldwide, now get ready for Ms. Worldwide. A star, who can miraculously be white, black, Latina, and now, East Asian, has successfully rendered herself completely racially ambiguous. The singer reportedly transcended race and achieved world peace and unity just through all her costumes. But the world, unfortunately, was not ready — compelling the artist to delete the photos of her looking distinctly like she has monolids. She is truly the hero we needed but didn’t deserve.