In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Self-Appointed National Hero Requests Next Film Be Compulsory School Viewing
A man who has crowned himself the pratoganist of every story about the country’s past and present issues has now returned with another film; this one also about our past glory. Since no story is complete without a bad Muslim antagonist, this one too tells the story of a brave, totally coincidentally Hindu king’s battle against a ruthless Muslim adversary. In a completely well-intentioned request, the actor playing the king has now asked the government to make his film compulsory viewing in schools. This appears to be a gesture of reciprocity; the cultural translation to “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.” And indeed, after spending the last few years thoroughly scratching the government’s back, the man has but this humble little favor to ask. He will reportedly play a dermatologist next to attend to the worryingly itchy back. After all, he is ever in the nation’s service as its favorite multi-hyphenate: an actor, a pet journalist of the prime minister’s, and a sanitation enthusiast who likes to wipe history clean.
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MP3 Player and Last Remaining Bastion of Control Over Streaming Platforms to Be Retired
The last stand against the complete takeover of streaming platforms has tragically lost the battle of relevance. An iconic device that paved the way for listeners of music to actually own and keep the albums they liked is now going out of commission. With this crucial vanguard gone, consumers are now left defenseless against the onslaught of Big Music, preparing to take over our soundscapes with infinite mood playlists against our will. Whether we like it or not, there is now a musical accompaniment to the feeling of wanting to roll over in your sleep, or the emotional turmoil of being out of reach of a public restroom for another few kilometers. Too specific? Too bad.
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Luxury Fashion Brand Sells Shoes that Give You the Glow of Subverting Poverty
If you thought high fashion couldn’t get any cooler, you haven’t seen the latest offering of a particular brand. Their distressed shoes give new meaning to the word distressed, where muddied and torn kicks fetch a price of $1,850 a pop. This footwear are “fully destroyed” in an homage to our economy, our Earth, our mental well-being, and our collective sanity. The wealthy then momentarily bask in the somber moment by literally stepping into the shoes of the plebs. Providing an immersive experience, the shoes are also meant to be gateways to healing, by allowing rich people to forgive themselves and manifest continued wealth and prosperity. Anything that allows them to spend fortunes on buying poverty as an aesthetic.
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In the Attention Economy, Everyone Loses Except Woman Promoting Fake Wellness Diapers
A woman notorious for her selling jade eggs and luxury body products made headlines when she announced gem-inlaid wellness diapers. It turned out to be a PR stunt. Anyone hopeful for their infants’ butts receiving the goodness of virgin alpaca-wool and amber gemstones — which is is secretly all of us — has lost. Babies hoping to flex a superiority complex from an “emotional cleanse” can leave their hopes [near their] behind — for they too have lost. Indeed the only winner who has emerged from this whole thing is the woman herself, who has not profited in money but has raked in eyeballs. The move was reportedly done to raise awareness on the problem of diaper taxes. Experts agree that a multi-millionaire who peddles vagina-scented candles, among other things, is best positioned to sound the alarm on the inequitable distribution of essential goods. What better way to shine a light on the state of the money economy than to leverage the attention economy? In successfully turning our attention onto money itself, economists and activists alike championed the woman’s ingenuity in using our emotions against us.
