In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Successful Actor With Nothing to Lose Defends Male Co-star’s Higher Salary

Cool girl puts uncool trifles and troubles behind her

An Academy award-winning actor has recently stated that she is more than happy being paid five million dollars less than a male co-star for an upcoming film. Known for her relatable quirks — such as tripping while receiving an Oscar, getting pizza stains on luxury designer dresses, and chugging champagne from the bottle on a picnic — the actor is pretty cool about receiving less than her due, much like the average girl next door. Although she had spoken out about the gender pay gap before, it appears that she is now more “one of the guys” than ever, in that she doesn’t make a girly fuss about sexism. A few million dollars makes no difference, she reportedly said; it’s totally chill, not a big deal. Stating that her co-star “brings in more box office,” the actor remained content with taking one for the team and allowing poor male actors to get their fair share.

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Government Crypto Bill Turns Bengaluru Techbros into Passionate Activists

Bengaluru worried at crypto potentially meeting same fate as half of Marvel Cinematic Universe

A recent bill proposing to banall private cryptocurrency in India sent shockwaves in the world of tech, comprising almost exclusively of Bengaluru’s male youth. The aggressively out-of-the-box thinkers received the news with much indignation, vowing to take to the streets and demand an end to this violation of their rights. Indeed, the right to randomly create something and force it to become a part of economics, such as start-ups and unregulated digital money, is seriously at stake. Crypto enthusiasts fear becoming impoverished as they stand to lose a completely made-up currency that is utterly useless for buying food, clothing, shelter, or anything necessary for survival. The group, previously known for their zen attitude towards politics, is now nose-deep into Parliamentary proceedings in fearful anticipation of their disenfranchisement.

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In Feminist Power Move, Karva Chauth Enthusiast Removes Husband’s Surname From Instagram Account

Woman’s scalp wants you to know it hasn’t forgotten its roots

An actor and celebrated activist recently stirred controversy with a shocking girl power move. She removed her husband’s surname from her social media accounts. The actor is known for her provocative actions such as reclaiming the mangalsutra, or participating in a festival where wives starve themselves for their husband’s good fortune. Many applauded her courage in making a decision that was not completely influenced by what reactionaries may think. The carefree decision to defy the status quo where it suits her, but to perpetuate it when it doesn’t, was lauded as inspirational for future girl-bosses in the making.

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Artist’s Reunion With English Teacher Makes English Teachers’ Pets Cry More Than They Already Do

Rare moment of English teacher’s pet suffering from success

An acclaimed singer recently opened up the waterworks around the world when she reunited with her old English teacher, who reportedly changed her life. Watching the scene unfold online, many former English teacher pets — now in their early to late twenties and trying to “make it as a writer” — spontaneously burst into tears, leaving nearby well-adjusted adults confused and mildly concerned. “My English teacher gave me purpose and I still think about her today. She made me understand myself — had I not been an English teacher’s favorite, I might have never known I was actually super depressed,” said one former English teacher favorite, who may or may not be this reporter.

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Patron Saint Of Techbros Offers Sacrosanct Advice About ‘Dogecoin’ Cryptocurrency

Man who cannot believe he is being taken seriously right now

Another development in the world of cryptocurrency has left everyone sighing, “what now?” As it happens, the world’s favorite tech daddy dished out valuable advice about “Dogecoin,” which is an actual currency with value now. Keen observers of the financial world will know that “doge” refers to a meme template about a Shiba Inu’s internal monologue about snacks and pets. Now, a billionaire with untold generational wealth has generously donated his two cents about what it means to own “Dogecoin” — news that has made headlines around the world.