In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Successful South Indian Actor Upstaged at Own Wedding by North Indian Actors’ Wishes
A successful actor’s wedding ceremony this week was widely celebrated in the media for how completely unrelated people reacted to it. News reports about the South Indian actor’s Big Day turned into reports about the Big Tweets from North Indian stars. Notwithstanding the fact that the actor made it big as a “lady superstar” across film industries, press coverage preoccupied with Bollywood starlets’ cousin’s left little finger seized upon the fact that various Hindi industry stars posted about the event on their social media. Prior to the event, there was virtually nothing to report from down South — it was with this wedding that the Tamils, Telugus, Kannadigas, and Malayalis all finally amalgamated into a comprehensible culture when Bollywood got involved. Reportedly, the next event from the south to receive coverage on such a scale will involve a Hindi film actor’s pet’s finsta.
*
Actor Sues Ex-Wife for Making Business Decision by Herself
An actor made news by suing another actor, also his former wife. Reportedly, his ex made a financial decision about a piece of property that belonged to her. This was so unconscionable to the man that he proceeded to unleash the full force of the law upon her — suing her for daring to have agency after divorce. Reports suggest that nobody recovered from the debacle of women making their own decisions without a man to make them with.
*
Man Breaks Box Office With Weight of Failure
An actor who staged a grand opening for his latest film shattered all records at the box office. Reportedly, the box office collapsed under the weight of both expectations and the ego of the man himself, committed as he was to the cause of rewriting history. In the process of creating historical fan fiction and inviting fascists, the accomplished actor forgot to account for public intelligence. But the cost was so heavy as to break even the record of a certain another actor whose range encompasses those of Meryl Streep and Gal Gadot.
*
‘Protect Him at All Costs,’ Says Media About Cute Baby Royal Protected at All Costs
A toddler made headlines recently when he was seen to be behaving exactly as toddlers do, at a monarch’s 70th-anniversary celebration. The internet was quick to note the child’s cherubic behavior, calling upon nobody, in particular, to protect him at all costs. Meanwhile, the state continues to spare no costs in providing the child with a residence worth a small country’s gross domestic product. The celebration of enforced hierarchical obeisance also took place at the expense of public welfare spending — a thing that would have ensured that people have better things to want to protect than a regular child born to royalty.
